Many Facets of Expression: Expressions of PosAutivity #AutismPositivity2014

Today I am participating in the Expressions of PosAutivity, I was not sure if I was going to be able to express what I had hoped to … I am still not sure I did, but I do believe I share my positive experiences with expression and how important it is to not only be flexible with other’s ways of expression, but for ourselves as well.

Silently Spoke

I had words,
but could not speak
my eyes misled,
my smile inappropriate,
this body danced,
it pounced and pranced — I spoke

I had many words without a useful mouth,
lips tied; double knotted, invisible string
eyes blinked immeasurable worlds
ears that sang colors for no one to feel
my hands stroked brushes in minglings,
emotions without voice — I spoke

my own personal meltdowns,
shutdowns raging in a stoic face,
masked and cradled in between scratching hands,
nails penetrating flesh,
scars coated in silenced words,
erupting to speak out,
words aggressively broke free,
these fingers glided letters in form — I spoke

~~~~~~

I shared a poem first because many times, it is my only way I can express myself. With poetry, I find that words flow out easily – they are the parts of me that are stirring, but I have no understanding about them. I can write out in bursts of words, then it can take hours, days, weeks, and yes, even years to finally grasp what my mind and/or body were trying to tell me. When the words come, in that moment I feel deeply connected to myself and others who may be in my thoughts. I may not have the fullness of why, but I do know that in that moment the expression makes perfect sense and will manifest answers or connections to other things at some point in time — that brings me peace and comfort.

I think that the Autism Positivity flashblog has been an incredible source of enlightenment.



Continued ... Many Facets of Expression: Expressions of PosAutivity #AutismPositivity2014

No Kisses Means Love

This was a great conversation Daniel and I had this morning. 

Me: Daniel can I kiss you?
Daniel: No, I don’t like kisses.
Me: But I love you so much, I want to give you kisses.
Daniel: That is love, no kisses.
Me: Not giving you kisses is love?
Daniel: Yes, no kisses is love to me.

I am not a fan of getting kisses myself or giving kisses except when it comes to my kids.

I do not like mouths anywhere near me. I have issues with people’s mouths and my own mouth. Lips are another whole aspect of strangeness for me. It is not necessarily that I do not like people’s mouths, but all that is going on inside of the mouth is too much. Lips are odd and move, they are unpredictable and no telling what words will come out of a person’s mouth. I rely on lips and mouths much of the time to help me navigate through communication. However, I am not sure what Daniel was talking about has anything to do with my own quirks and issues with the mouth.

I was overjoyed to hear Daniel express himself in this way this morning.



Continued ... No Kisses Means Love

Fear of the Fly

The warm weather lately has made it possible for us to venture out into the neighborhood and enjoy our backyard. Though the road in front of our house is a little busy at certain times of the day, for the most part I can take the kids up front and not worry too much … well as much as when we lived in the other house. It has been interesting, in this neighborhood everyone is very sociable and has come up to me to introduce themselves. If I am in the front yard that means that I have already prepared myself for such social scripts because I have had that happen often enough — it still startles me for a second or two and takes me some time to try to get words, it is challenging to remember to shake their hand if they put it out, or my name, the kid’s names, and that I have a husband, what’s his name!??

I try to remember or pullout those scripts quickly, but sometimes the words get jumbled, many times.

It’s ok; people either do not notice or make some sort of small talk waiting for me to answer. I am usually distracted because I am watching the kids. People tend to be forgiving of social awkwardness or slight prolonged silence when you are taking care of your children. It is a good thing for me to have my kids around because they keep me grounded and focused for the most part. Several of the neighbors have popped over to introduce themselves as I was teaching the kids to ride bikes. As I took them around the neighborhood to cul-da-sacs to practice everyone has been friendly and kind. We happened upon a brother and sister who are close in age to our kids. The mother saw us riding bikes and came out to introduce herself and her children. Her kids did not come running up to socialize, but the mom was excited because she said there are not very many kids in the neighborhood.

I hope we can make friends with them. 



Continued ... Fear of the Fly

Happy Easter/Sunday!

I am of few words lately, however; that does not mean I do not have a lot soaring and brewing through my mind. As a matter-of-fact I am in a sort of frenzied state of mind at the moment –too many things happening at once. My thoughts are making so many different connections and I am overcome with emotions about several things, it makes it challenging to get my thoughts out fluently. It is frustrating and exciting at the same time. Instead of attempting any sort of coherent thoughts I shall simply wish you a wonderful Easter and Sunday then, head to the airport because David is going to be gone for a week for work. This may be quite an entertaining week. 

Hope you have a wonderful day from all of us here!

[Show as slideshow]

Happy Easter/Sunday!

Quality Of Food Is A Privilege

Forewarning, this is a bit of a rant, so I will admittedly say I wrote it in an emotional state and I may sound contradictory and/or quite enthusiastic in my execution of words … I possibly get distracted then, focused again. 

I normally steer clear of arguments about food and the any sort of dogmatic perceptions that claim that changing eating habits can heal a person from skin disorders all the way to mental illness. It simply is not true for everyone, every body digests and has chemical reactions differently. We all have sensory uniqueness and preferences that differ from one another. We are all individuals, I will use myself as an example. If I drink a soda the sensory effects drive me batty and cause me physical problems. I do not like carbonated anything it upsets my stomach. The sugary substance coats my teeth and makes it almost impossible for me to concentrate on anything else until I brush them, however; there is a lingering metallic taste that stays. My stomach feels icky, I get a jolt of energy then, crash very hard leaving me with a headache and bathroom problems. It does not matter if I drink a Dr. Pepper or carbonated flavored water I cannot consume them and feel well.

Other people seem to be able to drink these without a problem.

My mother is another example that is interesting, for most of her life she would get sickly eating fruits and vegetables. She had problems with them texturally and physically. Her diet is still quite limited, but as she has gotten older she has been able to add things such as spinach, broccoli, and bananas to her regular diet. It is no secret that I have been and continue to be very health conscious when it comes to food. I think growing up with limited food sources because of funds and because of my mom’s sensory issues, food sensitivities, and negative associations with food in general made me passionate about my kids always having enough food — particularly healthy food. I also, read many books while pregnant about child development and nutrition. I took it as personal mission to feed my kids in the healthiest way I could.

I made all of my kids baby food from fresh organic veggies and fruits.



Continued ... Quality Of Food Is A Privilege

A Day Of Pure Awesomeness!

Yesterday was a fabulous day, it was one of those days when everyone was feeling good and we seemed to be “flowing” as a family. I cannot think of a single day when all of us were feeling at ease and able to do things like we did yesterday — all in one day anyway. Despite the fact that I have had some stomach issues my mental state was rather calm — not feeling overlyanxious or as if my mind was in a race with itself! Interestingly, the day before I was in an anxious state that was causing me some serious emotional ups and downs. I was pleasantly surprised to feel so good because we had planned on going to an Easter egg hunt at the Y. The kids have never experienced an Easter egg hunt except when I have done them in our yard. There was a small one at a church we went to a few years ago, but they were still fairly young.

They were very excited and I was excited for them.

I used to love going on egg hunts. My grandmother took me to the American Legion egg hunts when I was little almost every year. My mom really got into those types of things for me too so she always had our home dolled up in decorations and hid eggs and other goodies for me. Now that I think about it I have no idea how she did it because we had no money, especially no extra funds for such things, however; knowing my mom she probably took up some sort of extra work or sewed something for someone to get the extra cash. She always tried to make holidays grand. I digress … I went into a flashback of happy childhood moments. 

I was a little concerned about how the day was going to go.



Continued ... A Day Of Pure Awesomeness!

Experiencing Autism Acceptance In My Community

The first week of Autism Acceptance/Awareness Month has been incredible. I still use awareness because as much as I experienced autism acceptance this week I also, encountered many people who are unaware of autism. Being aware of something implies that you have an understanding, a sort of working knowledge. Several of the people that I encountered do not have this knowledge and they lacked understanding because autism is simply a word to them, or it is a mystery, a complexity to be figured out it is the representation of heartbroken parents and isolated/hurting children. I gave them a face, a personhood, an experience with a “real life Autistic” who could communicate some of the what’s and why’s about autism. In doing this, I was pleasantly surprised to receive acceptance. I received acceptance, encouragement, and validation that I have not had in my physical world outside of family members I am close to.

During the months of February and March, I realized that I was becoming more vocal about autism, in regards to Daniel, Joshua, and myself with people.

I was shocked on several occasions when people started conversations with me that eventually led to a topics such as depression, anxiety, ADHD, sensory processing disorder, learning challenges, which I tend to be able to discuss without any difficulties or fear of rejection, but I found myself openly discussing and sharing our personal experience with autism. I even found myself sharing that I am diagnosed Aspergers. I plan on writing a post about why I have been hesitant in sharing my own diagnosis with people in the next few days, but to get to the root of it I have been afraid of how people would respond — I must be overcoming this fear because I have been telling practically everyone I discuss autism with that I am Autistic too! This is a huge piece of self-acceptance for me and it is helping to build my confidence for my ultimate hope which is to share with several of my family members.

Here are a few circumstances that have filled me with hope.



Continued ... Experiencing Autism Acceptance In My Community

Autism Acceptance(Awareness)Day – My Kid’s Perspective

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Happy Autism Acceptance Day! That is what we call it in our house.   I found myself entirely too emotional and fatigued to share the post I was planning to so instead I opted to share my children’s thoughts about this day. They do not truly have a thorough understanding of what this day and the month of April means for them — Daniel and Ariel are 9 and Joshua is 7. They are old enough to have feelings, thoughts, and opinions and I believe that it is important to try to cultivate that. I feel that each year and the more that we become socially interactive that it is important that they think about what autism means to them. I want them to have their own opinions and thoughts about Autism Awareness and express how they feel about Autism Acceptance. I came up with a few age appropriate questions to begin this journey of thinking about and processing this day/month.

Here is what they had to say. 



Continued ... Autism Acceptance(Awareness)Day – My Kid’s Perspective