It’s Friday!

I really am not that moved by it being Friday there is not much that changes around here on the weekends. We will not be taking Labor Day off from school it is imperative that I keep routine as much as possible so early in the school year. Many holidays are not something I look forward to they are disruptive. However, I am not a complete bore we do take time off I do not go by the “norm” of taking time off.

I watch and determine when we need breaks.

I stick to routine as much as possible because the kids and I thrive when I do. It also, gives me the freedom to make spontaneous choices of breaking routine if a day just goes down the tubes for whatever reason. It has taken some time to accept, but I realized that I need that option so I do not have my own meltdown from “everything not going as planned!” That can lead me in to catastrophic-type thinking spiraling into anxiety, depression, and feeling like a failure all in one day of getting behind in the plans I am SO determined to keep.

My thoughts become irrational to say the least.

Continued ... It’s Friday!

A Little “Less” Word Wednesday

Today I am keeping it short … shorter? Darn, I tried. Oops! We have been behind with school due to the evaluation tests; Daniel still has one more to go. He is quite the trooper and working so very hard – I decided that today was too much for him so I am holding off on the last test. It does need to be complete by Friday I will aim for that.

Today he had virtual speech, piano lessons in town, and his new virtual social group.

First thing, this morning we heard the rumbling and beeping of trucks outside – my heart sank because I knew anxiety would arise in Daniel. Last time it took three days for him to recover, it may have been longer it is all a blur. The beeps and vibrations hurt his body and scare him. With all the balloon popping going on I had my concerns. He amazed me with his calmness this time around, but when the trucks caused our whole house to vibrate it become too much. They were here until piano lessons, which, was at 11 am. While at piano lessons, he had already processed so much between his speech session and the unexpected trucks, noises, and vibrations in our house.

I decided that it was best to cut piano lessons short and head back home.

Continued ... A Little “Less” Word Wednesday

Social Aftermath – Why Do I Forget?

For some I reason cannot remember how much social interactions zap me of all energy. I can remember for the most part with the kids because I begin to see telltale signs that they are “off.” Their energy becomes drained, they can show cold or flu-like symptoms, they cannot focus very well, they are drawn toward certain types of foods, and they start to stim more than usual. For Daniel, he begins to request his favorite movies such as The Tigger Movie or he begins to pull all of his toys from his room to the counters in the kitchen and lines them up or dumps them – more so than usual sometimes that is hard to determine. Another thing that Daniel does is attach himself to me.

He wants to know where I am going even if it is in the other room, why and how long I will take. 

Ariel and Joshua request to play particular types of games that require repetitive moves and levels. I have a hard time connecting my own signs until I realize that I am not as patient as I normally am. Things seem to be more intense, I find myself fatigued, drained, emotionally spent, and then, I start to feel the anxiety and depression creep in. My executive functioningis all out of sorts. I did not know any of this before learning about autism and anxiety, I simply thought that there was something wrong with me and that I SHOULD be able to handle socializing, going places, meeting new people, and I SHOULD be happy about it.

After all, I want to be social, I want to have friends, I want to go out and do things.

Continued ... Social Aftermath – Why Do I Forget?

Balloons, NO Balloons! (So Said Me For Several Years)

Balloons have been a source of multiple pains in our household. Daniel had a love-hate relationship with them while he was younger. If he saw a balloon he wanted it, but if it popped he would become so terrified – it inevitably turned into an inconsolable meltdown filled with sadness too because there would be no more balloon. I dreaded any sort of activity or outing where I knew balloons would be. I asked ahead of time if it was at a church event or a small group if I knew children were going to be there.

If one popped at a store, we would have to leave.

It is amazing how many places have balloons. I never thought about it before, unless a balloon popped and frightened me. I too, have my innards combust in pain when I hear a balloon pop. I hate the sound. It was torture for me as a kid and then, into adulthood working in children’s ministry playing balloon games. One in particular, you had to do some sort of relay with the balloon in your neck, get to a chair, and sit on to pop it.

I hated it.

Continued ... Balloons, NO Balloons! (So Said Me For Several Years)

Making Friends At The Y – ME?

Well, I am not sure I am making friends, but I have been making more “acquaintances.” I think I shared recently how I have become more socially active when I go to Y. However, the last few weeks I have been out of control. I seemed to have found some of my social skills I lost for a while. I can be very social, I like to be social, and I need A LOT of alone time.

I have started to go to the Y three times a week for my workouts.

I also, have taken the kids during the week if we finish our daily tasks or I can tell that they need to get out of the house. On Monday nights, I arrive early because my spin class fills up quick and if I am not early, I will not get a bike. Because of that, I have been talking and sharing more about myself with people. I find it interesting that people always ask, “So what do you do?”

As if, I need to be defined by what my career is or something.

Continued ...
Making Friends At The Y – ME?

A Fun Post … Give It A Minute

I have several posts spinning around in my head again. I find it an interesting sociological endeavor when something stirs society or a community in some way.  That is where my mind keeps traveling. I recall while I was active in my religious circles there seemed to be a constant threat of some sort, or some sort of quest that needed to be taken on with society. I see that in many communities. A current event has spawned my interest once again in how we as humans respond to our environments …

I do not see it as a bad thing I think it helps bring light to things that people ordinarily cast a blind eye to.

However, when things like that happen I also see a lot of heated emotional responses that is when I start to think deeply and ponder the behaviors of humanity. There are times when I think it is good that people step out and speak in heated emotional responses. There are times that I do, however, there are also times when it is too overwhelming for me, and I lose my words. No worries, there are plenty of others who are able to speak up with great articulation and raise a voice against injustice and wrongdoing.

At the moment, I would rather not venture too far down in my mind meanderings.

Continued ... A Fun Post … Give It A Minute

State Testing, IEP, Accommodations – Questions!

Continued thoughts from yesterday …  

I am seriously weighing the option of opting out of the state testing’s. I am still researching and trying to gain an accurate perspective to determine what is best for Daniel. I have been reading about the accommodations that can be stated into the IEP which, if I can get them for him I would feel more comfortable – I am still not sure he is ready and I will not force him to do something that has the potential of being highly traumatic. I am not sure if people/professionals/teachers comprehend how traumatizing these types of tests can be, tests in general. The added environment change and routine change is enough to cause serious anxiety.

Something that has been voiced to me is that he needs to read on his own for reading comprehension.

It was indicated as well that he would have to write on his own for the story or paragraph part of the testing. I have found that accommodations have been made where the children are allowed to have a scribe or a writing device such as a computer processor in order to do that part of the test. I also, read that for the reading comprehension they could have someone read to them.

If this is the case, it sort of sways me to allow Daniel to take the tests … sort of.

Continued ... State Testing, IEP, Accommodations – Questions!

State Testing, IEP, Accommodations – Concerns

At the end of the school last year, I went on a research frenzy about standardized testing in my state. One of my concerns was that the teachers implied that Daniel would be retained based on their view of whether he would be able to do the standardized testing for this year. After researching more on the topic, I felt that Daniel should not be retained. He did his work at level with the IEP accommodations, became more independent in several areas of his work, and he became more communicative. Daniel definitely comprehends a lot more than what he vocalizes and can write – he always has. We were supposed to have a meeting with all of his support and teachers at the end of April.

That did not happen.

I can only assume that it was because Daniel had shown so much progress that we agreed to move him to the third grade without a meeting. One of their major concerns was his reading level. At the beginning of the year, Daniel was assessed at reading three words per minute, by fall he was at six, by spring he had gone to 25 words. I knew Daniel could read more than that. However, the one-minute reading assessments did not indicate that, even when he was given an extra 20 seconds his word count did not improve by much.

I do not understand why these assessments are used with children who have reading/processing/learning challenges.

Continued ... State Testing, IEP, Accommodations – Concerns

Preparing For A Successful School Year – I Hope!

I had no idea how this week would go. My only expectations were to transition us into a new schedule, get a feel for the third grade curriculum, and attempt to complete all of our lessons. The kids did AMAZING! I have bumped up our school time to six hours. My hope is to have our time stretched out in case we need multiple breaks during day. It helps all of us to have the day broken down by hour. (minute) Last year, I tried to get us to squeeze everything into a five-hour day. However, if it got derailed I was frustrated and the kids would get frustrated too because school would go much longer than expected.

I put too much pressure on the kids and myself. 

The new schedule helps to keep me from getting distracted too. I have all sorts of thoughts throughout the day and I want to write a post, jump on facebook, start cleaning the house, or some question will arise in my head because I saw the shadow of a cricket that leads me into researching how the brain processes shadows! I need to have a schedule myself.   I decided that school hours would be 8 am to 2 pm every day. Unfortunately, I just found out that Joshua’s virtual classes would be at 7 am Monday and Tuesday. Eeeek! Joshua is not a morning kind of kid.

We will have to work on that I suppose.

Continued ... Preparing For A Successful School Year – I Hope!

Domino Effect, But The Good News Is …

Yesterday was quite intense – it was not an easy day. The communication between the kids gets confusing for all of them. They all three have their own sort of social confusion, but then, they are all also “sticklers” for everyone keeping the social rules that they do know. However, all three of them know certain rules and the rules can change according to their perspective. Make sense?

Yeah, it can cause some meltdowns due to misunderstandings. 

This happens to Daniel a lot because Ariel and Joshua bicker. Daniel cannot handle any sort of “hostile” environment. It causes him much confusion, anxiety, and he gets upset. I understand his feelings because I too get very confused by sibling bickering. If there is bickering first thing in the morning or some random sound it can cause the day to be fused with me trying to prevent meltdowns and/or soothing them. I can literally see the dominoes start to fall when the first incident happens.

Yesterday morning, it started with a minor misunderstanding between Ariel and Joshua. 

Continued ... Domino Effect, But The Good News Is …

“You Are Made Of Granite” III

I can see all that I do and accomplish daily that is why when something that seems so small in the big schemes of things can derail me I do not feel strong at all. When I expressed some of these things to David, he was taken aback. He could not understand how I could feel weak with all that I do and have done – on my own, in silence, not asking a single person for help or reassurance. I have lived a life that has been challenging in many ways, as many people do. However, these have been some of my challenges. I learned to rely on myself from an early age and try to navigate in a world that was so foreign to me.

There are some days when I think, I have no idea how I got where I am today.

I have lived with undiagnosed learning disabilities, synesthesia, social confusion, anxiety, Aspergers and PTSD. I have been victimized on too many occasions to share. I have lived with depression, self- harm, an eating disorder, and dysmorphia in silence for most of my life. Yet, I am here and I am still trying. When no one else could understand or supported me and David was in denial about Daniel being Autistic, I took it upon myself to get educated and learn as much as possible from his speech pathologist and OT.

I did the research and implemented ideas, strategies, and researched to learn how to help Daniel.

Continued ... “You Are Made Of Granite” III

“You Are Made Of Granite” II

Back to my initial statement about being made of granite, I would never have thought someone thinks this of me. 

Even the other night, I went through emotions of embarrassment. I could not leave my opinion in a comment thread because I knew that it could send me into anxiety and/or social confusion. I do that a lot. I have much that I want to say, but I know that if I spread my words out there too much in a “interactive social setting” it will send me into an anxious loop. I feel embarrassed that when I extend myself socially I begin to think negative thoughts. For instance, on Saturday I went to the Y for my “mommy gets a break” workout. Afterwards, the instructor asked for prayer requests, I never voice any prayer requests anymore.

My spiritual journey is probably an epic novel that I am not sure I will ever get to. 

For some reason I blurted out that, I could use some prayers with school starting and David leaving this week. Long story short, a woman came up to me at the end and said that she had been home schooled. This led into a conversation about autism, ADHD dyslexia, learning challenges, and giftedness. Her son was diagnosed with ADHD and dyslexia, however, the school maintains the attitude that “practice makes perfect.” It is not working and he is 12. Big surprise! I asked her if she would like some resources that I use and other information that may be beneficial.

Continued ... “You Are Made Of Granite” II

“You Are Made Of Granite” I

A couple of weekends ago, David said to me, “You are made of granite.” I had several situations that caused a trigger attack upon my senses, emotions and then, ultimately physically. I am not going to go into what happened, it really does not matter and it would take too long to detail all of the triggers and incidents that set me off.

When I go through that, I feel weak.

I feel as though, I should be able to control my emotions and how other people’s words or actions affect me. I feel as though, I should be strong enough to ignore or brush off those things, but I am not. I begin to attack myself and blame myself for things that are not my fault. These are common things for those who have been victimized. (Insert a good read Why do trauma survivors blame themselves?) However, I find myself sick and upset at myself whenever I am hurting again, because of what others have said or done to me.

I immediately comb over my words and try to figure out what I did wrong. 

Continued ...“You Are Made Of Granite” I

Back To School ~ Panic! (?)

I am not in full-blown panic yet, but I am starting to feel some serious anxiety. I am pulling you into my spiraling thoughts so you can share in my wonderful world of anxious demise! I am kidding. Everything is actually going well on my end for school prep, school starts on Monday. I need to get Daniel and Joshua’s assignments, worksheets, and hands-on activities ready, but Ariel is ready to go for the month of August.

For those who may not know, we do virtual school, but it is still very much homeschooling.

The kids do have teachers, but the majority of the work and teaching is up to me. I am rather anal about my kids schooling. So much so that I feel that it is important that I am held accountable for their learning. I feel that my kids should get the best possible education and I realized when Ariel and Daniel were going into second grade that I needed to have more structure for myself and more help (therapies, learning strategies, behavior strategies, etc …) for Daniel. However, I also know that my kids would have a hard time in a regular bricks and mortar school so I decided to try virtual school.

This is our second year we will see how this year goes.  (State testing is a thorn in my side, I am still pondering what to do about that.)
Continued ... Back To School ~ Panic! (?)

Time For Reorganizing & Preparing For School

Well it’s over, the constant search and pleading with the “renting houses” gods has not worked. It seems that we are supposed to stay at this house for the next year. For some reason, every time something looked promising it ended up not working out. After much discussion and going to the next possible searches, which were apartments and town homes, we finally concluded that those were not going to work this year either.

It makes it a bit difficult since I am not earning an income and I have not had anything in my name for nearly a decade.

Ok, enough about that on to redirection and making the best out of the situation. This house has not worked well for various reasons, but the main one is that the layout is so incredibly odd and has a bunch of useless space. It is set up like a trailer home – one huge linear structure. (Nothing wrong with trailer homes, but that type of structure does not work well when I home school and David works from home.

We do not have a bedroom for Daniel and me.

Continued ... Time For Reorganizing & Preparing For School

Saturday Adventures – Not Planned BEEP!

I had today all planned, I had my plans set by Monday. Today was the BIG library book sale and Ariel and I were all geared up to go. We had been excited about it for days! She even received a “free book” card from her summer reading that she was supposed to redeem at the sale. I hoped that today would go as planned because the rest of the week had not gone as planned pretty much every day.

After an exhausting day yesterday of high anxieties and other things not panning out, I was REALLY looking forward to this morning with Ariel.

I am not going to go into all of the incidents that happened this week, but it has been rough. My anxieties have been at an all time, Daniel’s anxieties have been at an all time high, and in the midst of it, I had confusing family dynamics that ALWAYS sends me into panic attacks. Although, I must say that both of my aunts this week were awesomely great. So that was good.  Another bonus was that I did not go into a panic, but I had the unfortunate moment of realization and acceptance of some painful truths about some of my family and me. Sometimes the truth is just too hard to accept.

I finally concluded that I could not go to my sister’s baby shower who lives about three and half hours away.
Continued ... Saturday Adventures – Not Planned BEEP!

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary I

My mind has been looping and stirring about body image. (As we all know.) Last week, when my sister and nieces came to visit I was struck again with the body image damaging behavior that is rampant in my family. They do not even realize that they are doing it. My niece who is 13 years old showed some comparison behaviors that sent red flags immediately. (It could only be typical teenage behavior, but my family is already prone to this so I am highly sensitive.) I was ticked off when my sister was watching Ariel flop and flip on our chair and said, “Dang! Look at her abs and she is only seven!” I quickly rebutted with our limited diet and how active the kids are. It is pointless to go into any deep conversations about anything because well…

I got the look from everyone as if I was depriving my children by forcing them to eat “healthy.”

I looked at them and said, “My kids are not deprived. Come on, they get gluten-free Oreo’s, cake and stuff. We get burgers and fries from restaurants.” I felt like I should feel guilty for some reason. I hate that. The main thing that has been taught in this household is that food is an energy source. If we want to feel good and have energy we need to make sure we are eating foods and drinking things that achieve that for our bodies. We want our brains to be focused and alert. We want to feel connected to our food. We do not feel we should eliminate everything things in moderation makes sense. I am not even going into the issue that I have about my daughter’s body image already being pointed out. Leave her alone! I do not want her to even start thinking about that nonsense.

We consciously think about our food. 

Continued ... Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary I