“I Love You, Pi”

I have been taking a break from social media the last couple of days. I have been on and off, but not much. I feel too emotionally drained and need my attention directed toward helping Daniel. He does not like conflict at ALL; well none of us does, but any sort of perceived possible conflict has been sending Daniel into outbursts. Ariel and Joshua have been bickering and bantering. Daniel dislikes it very much even if they are only playing around. However, Joshua has been in high sensitivity mode, which causes him to misread, miscommunicate, and to become upset very easily.

It does not help that my sensory issues have become heightened due to weather changes and allergy issues.

Needless to say, my brain has not been able to filter through social media well. I find myself very sensitive to images and comments that ordinarily I can ignore – sure sign not to pop onto facebook for very long. :-) After those bit of details, I will now share the meaning of my title. Last week, into this week so far Daniel has been expressing his love for me. He has not done this before without me saying things first. I have shared some of what he did in the post Showing Affection, but the other night was too cute not to share.

Ariel and Joshua had said their good nights and were happily falling asleep. Continued ...

“I Love You, Pi”

Short(er) Post Sunday

I am feeling very drained and exhausted. It has been a rough couple of days. Our housing situation is causing anxiety in everyone no matter how hard I try to maintain peace. I know that the kids (and me) are getting a bit anxious about school starting soon. We saw another house that seemed a bit too good to be true for its price, size, and location.

It was. 

It is huge and would work perfectly, everyone would have their own room. Well except me, Daniel would be with me, but there are enough rooms that I could try to wean him into his own room. (I have hope.) It has a huge fenced in yard and even a pool! An awesomely huge wonderful amazing in ground BROKEN pool. Yep, they did not tell us that before we asked to look at it.

Too good to be true. Continued ... Short(er) Post Sunday

Relearning Some Social Skills & Overcoming Anxieties (Sort of)

The YMCA here is awesome! I know I have talked about it a lot already, but it really is a wonderful place for the kids and me to go. It has helped me tremendously with some of my social phobia. I still have bouts of anxiety, but it is nothing like a year ago. There are some days I have to force myself to go and every time I do I feel much better. I have progressed a great deal and have rebuilt some of my social skills that I lost from my long social hiatus. However, I still have certain amounts of social awkwardness that I believe will never leave me.

It is simply my personality.

There are also, certain types of anxiety that I do not think will never leave. They may get better, but I am almost certain they will still pounce at times. For instance, on Monday night I was happily sweating away, barely breathing from the intense spin class that my aunt tries to strengthen (kill) all of us with – it is high impact with short recovery the whole time.  (It is tough, but I love it.) All the sudden she says, “Ok, we are doing jumps and you are going to call them out then, call on another person to call them out and we will do this for about a three minute set.”

WHAT??? 

Continued ... Relearning Some Social Skills & Overcoming Anxieties (Sort of)

Showing Affection

I have had my concerns as to whether the kids are getting enough affection. However, I am not too worried about it anymore. I realized that I do give them hugs all throughout the day. I play around and give them kisses on the cheek and forehead. They giggle and laugh saying, “NO, no kisses!”

They really like it though.

Daniel used to refuse any sort of touching even when deep pressure was the one thing he needed most. I can relate. I do not like being touched. I do not like holding hands. I do not like to be hugged. I do not like kisses! It is different with my kids. I do not mind any of that with them on most days, it can be too much if I am anxious or overwhelmed.

I was concerned that I would not be able to give them the affection that they needed.

It was due to how my mom handled affection. I have written about it before when I was around five years-old, she basically stopped all forms of physical affection. There were no hugs, no kisses, and the “I love you’s” stopped somewhere around then as well. She assumed I should know and there was no reason for me to be reminded. She did say I love you sometimes through my life, but normally it was said in a “crisis” type of situation or on birthday cards.

I understand now, that my mom was not purposely doing this to me.
 Continued ... Showing Affection

When I Have Loved, It Seemed Obsessive

This is a collaboration of thoughts that have been spinning through my head. They have been brewing for over two years now so who knows where I will end up.  The last post helped bring myself a bit more understanding about how intense my love can be. As I was traveling through my past trying to understand some of my behaviors, I realized how few relationships I have had. When I think of school and my younger years, I do not recall any lasting relationships.

The longest friendships I had were during third to fourth grade.

I had a group of girls who were my friends, but by the start of fifth grade, I had none. I did manage to find two friends around the end of that year into sixth grade, but it was short-lived. They had been best friends since the beginning of second grade. They lived in the same neighborhood too. I really had no chance of staying friends with them because of my own social confusion and because I did not live close to them.

I could not keep connection. 

Continued ... When I Have Loved, It Seemed Obsessive

Ideal(ized) Love: Obsession-Like

In this post, I am going to try and dissect what may seem similarities with idealized love between Aspergers and narcissists. (Or narcissistic traits in individuals.) There are distinctions between abusers and narcissist as well. Not all abusers are narcissists. I would like to say here, using the word “narcissist” as flippantly as our society has, has made the actual definition and its destructive attributes become watered down. It has become a word thrown around much like, Autism, Aspergers, Bipolar, OCD, ADHD, ADD, Dyslexia, etc …  These “labels” have been contorted and misused so much that it is difficult for those who are not directly impacted or who have just realized them (been diagnosed themselves or someone in their life) to comprehend what each one actually means.

I believe there is a huge difference when it comes to comparing any of these with narcissism. 

Many times people believe that someone not “knowing” or “responding” to them in the way they expected is determined as being selfish. In fact, I would say it has more to do with the person’s expectations. However, if you live with, work for, or have encountered a narcissist (or the overwhelming traits of an individual) you can decipher the differences. It normally becomes very clear after you start questioning many things about yourself. Here is an excerpt to a link that I will share that gives more information.

“Look at yourself and ask yourself how you feel and whether you are the person you once were and knew. If you live with a narcissist, you will develop a cluster of negative feelings centered around the emotion of fear and an image of inadequacy. This self image of being inadequate then will be due to a change in self perception. This is, it is a cognitive concept that you are not familiar with and which is in contrast to how you used to see yourself. Clearly, such a negative self image will have serious effects on the way you feel and behave. The dominant feeling is, as alluded to, fear. Fear of doing things wrong and fear of being punished. And thus, the way you behave too will become modified whereby you will watch your every move and where your actions become unnatural to yourself.”

If you feel any of this I suggest doing these exercises to help get out of the fog. What To Do About Fear, Obligation and Guilt 

Continued ... Ideal(ized) Love: Obsession-Like

Thankful Thursday!

I have been having a rough week. I had the pleasure of my vertigo episodes then, I was struck with PTSD episode due to multiple factors, and the main reason is because of stress. The physical stress from going through vertigo on and off along with several of our current living situations has caused me confusion and to be affected by words that I usually do not get so affected by. For instance, David made a comment about Joshua having a small scar on his chin. (He fell and hurt his chin the other day.) David said, in a way that sounded negative and what sounded to me that it would be a bad thing to have a small scar. (I like all of my scars.)

It struck a nerve.

I said, “Oh, because a small scar is so awful. If that is the case what do you think about my gargantuan birthmark on my neck?” Yeah, I am not proud, but the reality is it hurt, it confused me, it bothered me that he would say something like that and that it could cause Joshua to feel self- conscious. Comments like that do affect me, but on a “normal” day I can brush it off. David was just making a comment, but I am such a “stress mess” that my automatic response was based on my own anxieties stemmed from my dysmorphia. That is what happens when I start to feel that my world is out-of-control. My brain automatically goes back to dysmorphic and eating disorder type of coping mechanisms.

I am so exhausted from going back and forth with our housing situation.

Continued ... Thankful Thursday!

Vertigo – Blah! But Wait, Let’s Talk Vestibular

I am on day four of vertigo episodes. They come quickly and rush me into a dizzy state full of nausea and I become incoherent. Thankfully, it is not all day long. I may have to try some Benadryl or something though.  Last year it caused me to be in bed for several days – unable to do anything, but pray that it would stop. I had it during my pregnancy with Joshua and was so unable to function that I had to take Antivert.

It is a horrible feeling.

Last night, I was able to go to my spin class and I felt great afterwards. This morning I felt a little drained, but I was doing ok. However, after I read a few posts and got onto to facebook for a little bit I noticed the fuzziness and echoing like streams that went across my eyes. They start before the dots appear and my head becomes black and dizzy which can lead to me passing out. Contiued ...Vertigo – Blah! But Wait, Let’s Talk Vestibular

Positive Outcome – I Think

Yesterday was Daniel’s music therapy. I did have some anxiety about going back and encountering the family that had been so offensive the week before. You can read about that here. I was not too anxious because I had time to process and create some scripts in my mind. If some offensive conversations were to arise, I was prepared. The mother was the only one there, I saw the husband pass me in their car when we arrived.

It was a pleasant quiet in the lobby.

There was a new parent (to me) in the lobby and he seemed to be quite chipper and easy going. His children seem to have his lightheartedness, which, I find enjoyable. This father’s presence actually made a different type of atmosphere even though he did not talk very much.

For some reason, I started to feel sickly about two hours before going. Continued ... Positive Outcome – I Think

Stress! What Am I Doing About it?

There are certain moments when I become so overwhelmed that I start to lose abilities. I will lose my ability to talk, sleep, socialize – I can even forget how to make a recipe that I have known for decades. Those types of things can happen to me.

When I am extremely stressed I can forget names of people.

I am referring to family members names. I am horrible with people’s names in general, but I can normally remember the names of family.   I can become confused and miss up everyone names. I can forget my favorite things. Everything becomes jumbled, mixed-up, and I have moments where my mind feels blank. If I try to read it is a mass of letters dancing. If I try to listen to music the lyrics fuse into things my brain cannot articulate.

I forget who my friends are and what family members I can talk to.

I forget time. It is as though my brain shuts down on me and my sensory processing becomes dulled or it becomes hypersensitive. This is saying a lot because my sensory processing functions are already at extremes on most days. Last week I started to feel the creeping dread of serious overwhelmness. I have been feeling for weeks, but last week it was getting bad. (again)

Daniel has had a rough time ever since the beginning of last week.

Continued ... Stress! What Am I Doing About it?

I Made You Feel Uncomfortable? GOOD!

I encountered a situation yesterday that I have not before. It derailed me, enraged me, and confused me because it was at Daniel’s music therapy. We arrived early so Daniel and I went into the room, he wanted to show me some of the instruments, and I wanted to play with him anyway. 

It is an awesome room!

We came out and another family was there with their little girl. She has been there every week with Daniel. She seems to have delayed language development and possible ASD and/or ADHD, but that is only from my few encounters with her briefly observing how she talks/does not talk/and her social interactions. I have taken notice at the fact that her parents seem to have little interest in what she is doing.

They kind of nod their heads and smile when the therapist (We will call him Mr. E) asks their daughter to share.

Yesterday, they brought along their teenage daughter who was sitting on the couch rather frumpy-like I do think it is a common stance in some teenagers – it is familiar to me. The therapist had been talking to Daniel about his compass. He asked Daniel questions, Daniel was responding, and they were having a great conversation. Mr. E then, directed Daniel to introduce himself to the teenage girl. Daniel sat next to her, said his name, and shared information about his compass.

They were great things that Daniel has not done before with a stranger.

Continued ...  Made You Feel Uncomfortable? GOOD!

Setting Goals

Creating and setting goals has always been difficult for me. I am very good at thinking of things that I would like to achieve. I can make list after list, but struggle with completing them. I struggle with the reality that some of my goals are not things that I want to achieve. If I do not see the importance of a goal then, it can dwindle and fade in my memory or on my lists.

It has been frustrating for me many times.

My mom is the complete opposite. She sets goals, gives realistic timelines, completes all of her tasks, and stays structured and organized. I go through spurts of being completely organized and on task then, it morphs into everything looking as if the Tasmanian devil rampaged my house, my files, and my mind. I cannot be like my mom, but she could not understand that so my attempts at goal setting then, failure to follow through were a constant annoyance to her. “Why can’t you just do it?”

I don’t (didn’t) know why!!

Continued ... Setting Goals

Brain Games: Quality Time With Ariel

Ariel and I share many commonalities in our interests. One of them is the BRAIN! We enjoy learning about the body and how it works. She asks me many similar questions that I too have had throughout my life. I love it! It is awesome to share special interests with my kids.

The kids and I share several common special interests. 

They may not be as intense for each of us, but there are links that bring connections to each other. Joshua shares an interest in food and cooking. Daniel shares music and learning new words. They all have many more, but I am only sharing a few that are continuous and usually daily. There are many special interests around here that come and go. And others that are nonstop. It can be quite entertaining to say the least when we are in our loops. It works well when the kids and I hit the same type of special interest loop – it is like euphoria!  The boys are not as interested in one of my favorite special interest though, which is how the brain works.

Continued ... Brain Games: Quality Time With Ariel

New Facebook Page! “Au’Some – ASD Moments”

Hi everyone! I have ventured into an idea that I hope others will want to participate in. I have created a new facebook page titled ”Au’Some – ASD Moments.”  Recently, my thoughts have brewed over times when great moments have happened around here and I feel that I have no one to share them with. On my personal facebook page, people do not truly understand the significance of certain things. For instance, when Daniel tried eating with a fork one day. Or like last night, when I told him that he was going to have to wait until dinner was ready before he got anything to eat. Instead of the usual response that could be anything from throwing something to complete meltdown, he went and sat down.

He then said, “I am doing great.”

I asked, “What are you doing great at Daniel?” He said, “I was a little disappointed about not getting anything to eat, but I did not get upset. I can wait. I am doing a great job.” Aaaaa! That is amazing!! He has been working so hard at learning how to handle disappointment and at trying to accept the word no. It is not an easy task to for him, it is not a discipline thing. (There are times when he is being obstinate, but I have learned the difference.) It is difficult for him to comprehend that I am doing other things or that I have two other children who need my attention as well.

That is a fact, I do not think of it as a bad thing.

Continued ... New Facebook Page! “Au’Some – ASD Moments”