It’s About Trust

This blog, for the most part has been about my journey. My kids are part of that and I have written about our life. I write because it helps me, I had various reasons for why I started a blog one being to keep record of our lives. It was confusing for me as a child to try to make sense of what was going on with my parents. I wish I had a record of what my parents were going through as I was growing up – it would have cleared up a lot of confusion, hurt, and emotions that I did not need to carry. I am not sure if this will help my kids or if they will ever want to read it, but it is here for the time being. There were other reasons – several – I wanted to find others because I was so alone, I wanted to know that I was not the only one. I had hoped that my life and the things that I have gone through had some purpose in this life I felt that by sharing it could be helpful, so I shared and I keep on sharing…

Over the summer leading into recent days, my thoughts continued to wander and ponder about the things that I shared on this blog.

I am not referring to what I write about myself so much, but I am referring to what I share about my kids. I know that I tried to be considerate of what I tell people on here and in our home life. I believe that I have done fairly well at not over-sharing about them (for the most part.) although; in the beginning years I may have shared things that I would not feel comfortable with now. I really cannot recall at the moment, but I do know that I have always had the attitude that if it could feel embarrassing to my kids or even humiliating – whether they could understand or not – I did and have not shared it. I write about them and I have posted pictures because I am extremely proud of my kids.

I think they are the tops!



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It’s Time …

I have been contemplating for several months about what I want to do with my life. I have been in a certain kind of limbo for over a year – clinging to what I knew because I was afraid of the unknown. Truth be told, I had not given myself much opportunity to think about what I want to do. We have had so much change and transition that I needed routine and sameness as much as possible. I have spent over four years writing on this blog and I was not ready to stop what I had been doing. It was my best friend, comfort, place of solace; it led me to seek all sorts of things, ideas, enlightenment, and people. I have gone through the process of fully accepting Autism, discovering and rediscovering things about myself, healing, and dealing with some very difficult things from my past. I do not feel finished, but I do feel that I am in a state of redirection. I have found myself no longer able to write as I had in the past.

At first, I felt sad.

I felt as if I was going to become invisible again – then, I realized that in reality I have become more visible in the “real” world. I have become more present over the last few months. By present I mean more engaging and interacting with people in my local area. I have lost contact with many of the people that I connected with online in the beginning. I still talk to a few on occasion, a couple I do have regular contact if not by message then via facebook posts. However, I simply do not have the time to spend online any longer. My posts have lessened, my poetry posts have not been as frequent, and my interactions on places like facebook have been less too. My family needs me, I need to be present in my real life for myself – I had used my blog as a means to escape at times – not always, but I did sink into a pattern when I was struggling with my depression.

 It was part of the problem. 



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Update Regarding “An Email To The New SLP”

I wanted to give an update about my interactions with Daniel’s SLP. You can read about that here An Email To The New SLP. I waited “patiently” to hear from her, while waiting for her response I received an email from Daniel’s new OT who suggested almost verbatim what the SLP had to me. She wanted to change his routine AND use the reward system. I nearly lost it. I took a deep breath and calmly emailed her practically the same email only explaining to her what had happened that morning before their session. Prior to their session Daniel had set his owl timer — it is a cooking timer that is extremely loud it scares him and everyone else in the house, but he will not part with it — He had forgotten that he set it the timer went off and terrified him. We spent time recovering from the loud, blood curdling sound for about 20 min. before the session, but it was too much for him.

She was new, and she was asking him to do things he had never done before.

Needless to say, he was not as cooperative in session as he had been last week. Keep in mind last week was a “get to know you” session. I was so upset that both of these women expected Daniel to come to sessions doing new things, with a new person, at new times, when we just got back from winter break, without any issues. He needs to be transitioned and not punished for not knowing what, how, or why he is supposed to do things. It sent me into a spiral of frustration and tears. I started to get swept away into thinking negative thoughts because I felt as if I was at the mercy of these people. So instead of falling into that trap for long, I decided that I would look into local options.

I am in the works of finding local therapists through our school district.

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I Climbed The Rope

I really did climb the rope – not just metaphorically, but I will get to that later. This post does speak about P.E. class and I know that I am not the only one who encountered negative experiences because there was a group of us. We were the same group from elementary school onto high school. Whenever I think of gym class I have very negative associations. My experiences were similar to the episodes of Freaks and Geeks, dodge ball anyone?? Freaks and Geeks – Dodgeball More like, torture, embarrassment, ridicule – hell! I would try to play dodge ball (Because I HAD to, in high school if we did not play we had to run laps.) and normally some jock would whelp me on some part of my body. Some boys tried to aim for my chest – not fun for growing boobs.

Why did the gym teachers think it was ok for boys to throw balls at girls?

I know some people love dodge ball. Some of my family members get a rush out of it. One night at boot camp … ha ha ha this story should sound juicier than it is … one night at boot camp we were to play dodge ball the last 15 min. Many of these adults were excited and raring to go. I was transported back to elementary, junior high, and high school. I was not the only one, there were several of us who all dawned similar faces – eyes bulging, mouths sighing a hint of terror, and immediate cowering searching for a place to hide. I said to one of the women, “Oh geez, I hate dodge ball. I hated it in school and I still do.” She and her sister had the same feelings and similar experiences. We were the misfits, outcast, the loners, the ones who were picked last for teams – the ones who did not find pleasure in games like dodge ball.

I actually, enjoyed gym class when we were running, learning games; I loved soccer, volleyball, and basketball.

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An Email To The New SLP

Right after Thanksgiving break we were taken aback with the sudden loss of Daniel’s SLP. (Speech-language pathologist) I received an email the morning that they were to return simply stating that she would no longer be at the virtual school and would no longer be Daniel’s SLP. This was a shock because she was so excited to return and continue to work with Daniel. The last day was an incredible speech session. Daniel has progressed so much working with her. There was nothing I could do it was over and we were at the mercy of the school and the therapists that they use. It took about two weeks to get him set up with his new SLP. I had my concerns about her, but have been trying to be open-minded. They only met a couple of times. I found it odd that she did not ask me anything about Daniel prior to meeting with him or afterwards.

She just went right to it doing whatever she does with all of her kids.

I am not sure if she has worked with a child like Daniel. He is a mix of the spectrum that quite frankly, I have not read many other people speak of. It is difficult for me to put into words, but Daniel is basically bouncing all over the Autism spectrum. That is the best I can do. He does not have fixations the same way that others do. He does not stay interested in things obsessively for long, just like his sensory challenges changing on a daily basis, so can his interests. He has some that stick with him, but he does not consume them the way that Joshua or Ariel do. It is hard to explain, but that is just another reason why rewards or withholding does not work. Not that I use that method, but I do know that the school and therapists have attempted to do that with him and it failed.

Daniel is about relationship.

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Change & Transition = Discombobulated & Emotional

I have been thrown into a state of confusion all week. This week was the beginning of many changes in my personal schedule, David’s schedule, and back to school for the kids. Before winter break the school made several changes to Daniel’s therapy sessions with added OT therapy for Joshua I was starting to get very overwhelmed. I missed times and sessions because I simply forgot. They had changed therapists and times on me so many times that my brain got frazzled. It was too much for me to try to get the kids to focus on their end of semester schoolwork and keep up with the sudden change of a new Speech therapist and new days/times for Daniel, trying to set up days/times for Joshua’s OT, and meet with teachers for fall reading sessions etc…  In addition, David was leaving for meetings in the middle of the day or at night upsetting my scheduled workout sessions.

AND there were snow storms that caused my workout sessions to be cancelled.

I was struggling with my chaotic mind when winter break started unleashing the holiday season festivities. While all of that went well, we were not on any sort of schedule as I had hoped. We had one of the best holidays we have ever had with our quaint Christmas week with each other, but David was on vacation. Though he works from home when he is on vacation it is a different dynamic. He is downstairs more. He talks to me more. He does things with the kids, gets them all wild then, goes back to upstairs not thinking of the consequences. He was in and out meeting with people in town as well. It was a lot of disruptions that I am not accustomed to. I get bent out of shape, not in a negative way, but I have to remind him of what those things do to the kids and the “ecosystem” I have going on down here sometimes. 

Two weeks of no schedule!


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Processing Thoughts About Synesthesia

I have written several posts on here and on another one of my blogs that I do not share so openly – it is a blog where I tend to process and do mind dumps with my emotions through music and “in the moment” poetry. Synesthesia is one of my special interests that comes and goes. Mostly because sometimes I just cannot handle my synesthesia – I like to pretend it’s all sensory processing dysfunction or something. I have been quite curious about synesthesia because once I discovered that I was a synesthete it gave me more answers as to why my brain responds, processes, and creates the way that it does. There seems to be a correlation with Autism and synaesthesia. Many people are not familiar with the term synaesthesia. I have found if they are they tend to think of it as some uncommon phenomenon.

I have seen movies and shows where they sensationalize and create this feeling of “super hero” type of persona. 

The more research being done the more they have found that  synaesthesia is not so uncommon. My personal opinion, solely based on my experience, is that I believe there are many people with synaesthesic traits, but it is so “normal” to them that they are unaware that others do not see, feel, and/or hear – experience the world any different. I had no idea that not everyone saw music. I did know of certain things that others did not see or do, such as personifying words, numbers, and colors. I learned early on that people do not do that and I attributed it to my overactive imagination.  However, there was another element of me who wanted to keep how I saw the world and my sensory experiences hidden from others and that is, it was my private world. No one could enter and it was my escape from the realities of the painful world that I lived in.

There was a catch-22 though; my internal world was filled with painful memories that would replay with every sensory trigger.

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My Top 10 Posts for 2013 & Then Some …

As I have been trying to look back through the past year, I became overcome with emotion from 2012 into 2013. It was a rough time for me, we had a long stretch of rough times, but it all caught up with me by the beginning of 2013. I have a post that I am working on – trying to polish it up so it will not be so raw. I do not mind sharing when it comes to me, but I need to be a little more sensitive. I want to be sure I do not sound too harsh or something and that I am articulating what I mean to before I share with others. While pondering, I looked at my stats to see what my top 10 posts were for 2013 and overall since 2009. I found it interesting the most popular did not always get the most “likes.” However, I was also surprised at the amount of “likes” that some did receive, I had no idea.

I thought the numbers of visits on each one was interesting too because, I like numbers! 

I was intrigued to see how many ended on even or odd numbers and what they equaled when added together … it was a fun way to stim as I still recover from all of the socializing I did this week. Last night, my dad came for dinner and it was a pleasant evening. I was a little taken aback at how much Daniel attached to my dad. He was very sad when it was time for him to go and as my dad was standing at the door still talking getting ready to head out; Daniel sat there staring at him with the sweetest smile and sadness in his eyes simultaneously. In a way, I felt my heart break because I too have felt that same feeling. I bent over to comfort Daniel and tell him that he would see papaw again when he came back to town the next time. Daniel told me, “I love him so, so much.” Sigh … I am not sure what emotions I am feeling with all of that.

I digress! I shall get back to my point; here are the Top 10 Posts for 2013!

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Happy 2014! Hope Is In The Air?

I hope you all had a wonderful New Year’s celebration and are full of new hope for 2014. I am hopeful at the beginning of this year which, is a HUGE step forward compared to New Year’s Day 2013. I do plan on reflecting over last year, but I have not had a moment to sit down and reflect. Our lives have been a whirlwind of change for months. We have all managed rather well thus far … However; I did almost have a complete meltdown yesterday! Good news, I was able to calm down and work through my anxieties. It was a rough a day though; things would go right then, terribly wrong, and then right only to trickle back to wrong. Daniel was on the verge of his own meltdown, but found his happiness in taking a looooooong bath.

We had plans to go over to my aunt’s for the evening to celebrate and spend time with family.

This was the first year that we were able to stay for four and half hours and all of us had a great time. Daniel did remarkable! He had one moment around the end where he almost lost it – it took me a minute to figure it out. I thought he got hurt because he collapsed into David’s lap. I realized that the noise of everyone laughing had hurt him. I quickly scooped him up ran up the stairs to the quiet room where Ariel and Joshua were playing the Wii. He was able to tell me that the noise scared him and hurt his body. I gave him the choice of leaving to go home or stay for a little while longer until we were finished with the “Dirty Santa” game.

Side note: It took me a while to figure out that game I do not normally participate.

Continued ... Happy 2014! Hope Is In The Air?