It’s Gone …

It has been a month since I have been on here! Wowsa, time seems to be moving at a rapid speed and I am unable to grasp a second to take a breather. It has been like this for so long, that I sometimes have a hard remembering when it felt like time was standing still and I was stuck in quicksand, unable to grasp hold of anything to get breath peaceably. My life has always been like that, falling into the depths of despair or leaping onto rapid waves of unstoppable.

I rarely have a middle ground — if I did I am not sure I would know what it looks like or how to respond to it.

I have found that since, I’ve been able to calm my mind and filter my thoughts into more productive outlets, I am not as frazzled. I do not feel as though I am being tossed about without being able to control anything. I do have more control over many things in my life, and those things that I do not have control over I have managed to find peace with them. (on most days) In doing so, it revealed what was causing much of my angst and anxieties about not being in control of certain aspects of my life.

Throughout my life, beginning with child I managed to find ways to create and maintain routines.

Though, much of my life they were disrupted or had to be modified for my mom’s own structured routines. I did learn how to adapt. I managed to create new ones when I moved in with significant others, but most of the time it was easy because they were not home or we worked different schedules. I liked it and hated it at the same time. I could not control how they affected my environment and because I was not with them constantly, any sort of behaviors that were “new to me” would throw me. My immediate response was I do not know you at all! You have never done this, why are you doing this? My world is crumbling!

The only time I had complete peace was when I lived by myself — as I remember it. 



Continued ... It’s Gone …

The Half Marathon: I Did It!!

My half was the next morning, I was an anxious mess — over 2000 people were registered!

I felt better because my dad and niece were going to be running, but when they told me that they were going to start five minutes later I had a moment of panic. My niece apparently has severe anxiety in crowds and was going to have a panic attack if she started with everyone. I did not find that out until after the race, I wondered why they wouldn’t say anything to me about it, aka The Queen of Anxiety! Ha ha ha I was too cold to think about it. It was around 45 degrees and I cannot run in layers because it bothers me, sensory issues. I wore a tank top, shorts, and gloves for about half of the race then, I threw the gloves because I got them wet. Urg! I was too anxious about being late to concern myself with them not being there so I went into the gazillion bodies and surrounded myself to stay warm. I ended up finding one of the women who is my boot camp sessions and we run at pretty much the same pace. We stayed together until about the third mile and then, for some reason I took off.

I went into a daze and the next thing I knew I was at the 4 mile marker, and a two of my sisters and my step mom were there.



Continued ... The Half Marathon: I Did It!!

The Kid’s Half Marathon: They Did It!!

Wow! September whisked by me before I had a chance to realize it. The last two weeks had been rough, but good things did come out of it. I haven’t the time to write about it now and I want to stay on topic. There were times this past week when I was not sure the half marathon was going to happen for me or for Daniel. Everyday seemed to spiral into stressful experiences. (Anxiety triggers, weather changing, thunderstorms, routine change, not being able to get words out, allergy issues, stomach problems, sound sensitivity, and countless other things that were going on gives you enough information to know that we were all having our struggles here.) However, on Friday it took a turn for the better and we all had a fantastic day.

I was so happy because that was the night that the kids were to finish their last mile in their half marathon.

They were full of excitement and ready, when we left the house it was a little chilly, but by the time we got there the winds had picked up. The temperature dropped significantly. It was FREEZING! I was not dressed for it, the kids were not dressed for it, David had to go back to the car to find any jackets or coats that I had in there. Thankfully, I always have things because I am usually cold. I was in such a heightened state of excitement and social anxiety that I was not thinking in my usual overly prepared sort of way. We got there and huddled together as the crowd formed. I planned for David to walk with Daniel while I ran/walked with Ariel and Joshua. Daniel did amazing in this setting; we were surrounded by loud, hollering kids who were full of excitement and energy. He had his sound reducers on, but lately they have not been enough.

I wanted him to have fun more than anything.



Continued ... The Kid’s Half Marathon: They Did It!!

Fall Brings On The Loops & Feeling Blue

Many of you who have read my blog for a while know that I have a huge challenge with understanding relationships. I have improved in my understanding in many ways and it has helped me with settling certain fears, confusions with some of my relationships. My sudden anxieties, confusion, fears about uncertainties of relationships, and panic attacks about what I have said or done have not gone away. My panicky loops, heart crushing feeling, lump in my throat, nausea filled thoughts are still there. Yep, they are still here lingering, waiting, and looping whenever triggered. When it happens, I feel a sudden blackness fill my mind.

My heart feels like it has been slivered into pieces – its glass shattered all over the place!

I have a lump in my throat, that at times manifests into tears, or hyperventilating episodes. I close my eyes tightly, clutching every muscle in my body desperate to try and make my mind make sense of the situation. It’s like I can literally feel my neurons get blocked at pathways, they cluster at some road block and no matter how hard I try to understand what is going on I cannot. With all of my relationships, I have no idea what “we” are anymore. It does not happen as frequently as before, but when it does happen it is frightening. It is a frightening feeling to be in long-term relationships with people, especially, people you are related to, live with, or have been in a relationship with for several years. It is confusing for those in my life who care so deeply for me … who I have been able to express this to through communication, mostly written.

They cannot imagine feeling this way; I cannot imagine having the feeling of “knowing” in a relationship.



Continued ... Fall Brings On The Loops & Feeling Blue

Family Reunion – It Felt Good To Feel Accepted

This past Saturday was my big family reunion from my dad’s side. It has been over 10 years since we have had one and it has been that long since I have seen many of them. It is a little different for me because I had not lived here for so long; I missed many family gatherings and events that my sisters and other family members had attended. It fed into my feelings of not belonging, and isolation from people I was supposed to have some sort of connection with because of that. It escalated my social confusion and anxieties with them. However, when I would see them again I would feel an instant acceptance with many of them, not all. I feel more uneasy with certain family members that I have had more social contact with then, the family that I am referring to at the moment.

I was excited and nervous about the family reunion.

I was concerned about Daniel, I knew that he would enjoy himself, but would it be too overwhelming? Would I have to run out of there feeling judgmental eyes? Would people treat him like he was odd or admonish me for my parenting style? Would I have everything I needed to feed him? Would I have everything needed so he could have fun and not feel the sting of anxiety? So many questions! And they didn’t stop. I had plenty more for him, and then I had more for Ariel, Joshua and ME! I scripted, I planned, I prepared, I did all that I could think of to make this the best day possible. The good news is that I did not do that for months or weeks, I did start the week of because my own anxiety started to set in.

My anxiety had more to do with seeing my youngest sister because I have not talked to her or seen her in a couple of years. 



Continued ... Family Reunion – It Felt Good To Feel Accepted

Me, My Mom, And Our Shenanigans

My mom flew into town on Friday, we were so proud of our trickery because we had actually pulled off this big surprise for my grandma. For those who are unaware, my mom is also an Aspie/Autistic. We are very different in many ways, and oh, so much alike in others. One of them being we are terrible liars, but out of the both of us I am the worst at keeping secrets like surprises for people. I get so excited! I am notorious for blurting out what a gift is when I am told repeatedly “Do not tell them what the gift is.” An example, one year for Mother’s Day, my mom, her brother, and my grandpa had all contributed to get grandma a ring with all of our birthstones. Mom kept reminding me not to say anything and said that we needed to keep this a surprise for grandma.

The day we picked up the ring I came walking in and said something like, Grandma we got your ring.

Granted I was a little kid, but I have done this well into my adult life. I script over and over “Do not say anything,” but it takes so much energy to try and come up with other things to say and to “convince” my mind that I am not lying or that it is ok to “evade” the truth for this special occasion. My mom is better at it because surprises and doing fun things like that for people trumps her hard core “I cannot lie” mechanism in her mind.   She loves surprising people, but do not and I REPEAT do not surprise her. She dislikes surprises very much. Me too, but I enjoy doing it for others who I know will feel happy when surprised. She too can struggle keeping such secrets from her mom; we both almost exposed our shenanigans to grandma. We had to be crafty because grandma is smart and will start figuring things out.



Continued ... Me, My Mom, And Our Shenanigans

Me, My Mom, And Our Shenanigans

My mom flew into town on Friday, we were so proud of our trickery because we had actually pulled off this big surprise for my grandma. For those who are unaware, my mom is also an Aspie/Autistic. We are very different in many ways, and oh, so much alike in others. One of them being we are terrible liars, but out of the both of us I am the worst at keeping secrets like surprises for people. I get so excited! I am notorious for blurting out what a gift is when I am told repeatedly “Do not tell them what the gift is.” An example, one year for Mother’s Day, my mom, her brother, and my grandpa had all contributed to get grandma a ring with all of our birthstones. Mom kept reminding me not to say anything and said that we needed to keep this a surprise for grandma.

The day we picked up the ring I came walking in and said something like, Grandma we got your ring.

Granted I was a little kid, but I have done this well into my adult life. I script over and over “Do not say anything,” but it takes so much energy to try and come up with other things to say and to “convince” my mind that I am not lying or that it is ok to “evade” the truth for this special occasion. My mom is better at it because surprises and doing fun things like that for people trumps her hard core “I cannot lie” mechanism in her mind.   She loves surprising people, but do not and I REPEAT do not surprise her. She dislikes surprises very much. Me too, but I enjoy doing it for others who I know will feel happy when surprised. She too can struggle keeping such secrets from her mom; we both almost exposed our shenanigans to grandma. We had to be crafty because grandma is smart and will start figuring things out.



Continued ... Me, My Mom, And Our Shenanigans

The Summer Is Almost Over …

We start school in two weeks; it seems like the summer just started! I do not think it helped with all the cold weather we had here. We could not go swimming very much because of cool temperatures and Daniel was unable to make it through screaming kids. I can relate, it seems like kids are yelling and screaming much more than they had in the past. Not tantrums or acting out, they are just screaming as their way of talking — they skip words all together and go for the AAAAAAAAA!! Maybe it is just me; my sensory issues could be more heightened. 

Other than that, this summer is going down as one of the best, for sure. (I just said, “for sure” ha ha ha)  

We did so many new things; we had a great deal of fun together. David participated in several more activities too which was nice. I started the transition to school this past Monday, it went ok. My hope is that if I start now by the time we actually do start they will feel more at ease and it will go a little smoother. Next week, Ariel and Joshua are going to camp at the museum all week long. It will be interesting how everything goes. (I think I am speaking for myself mostly.) They will be there from 9 am to 4 pm. They have not done anything like that before; I believe they are going to have a fantastic time. They are going to do all sorts of activities from physics to art.

I wish I could do it too!  



Continued .. The Summer Is Almost Over …

The Summer Is Almost Over …

We start school in two weeks; it seems like the summer just started! I do not think it helped with all the cold weather we had here. We could not go swimming very much because of cool temperatures and Daniel was unable to make it through screaming kids. I can relate, it seems like kids are yelling and screaming much more than they had in the past. Not tantrums or acting out, they are just screaming as their way of talking — they skip words all together and go for the AAAAAAAAA!! Maybe it is just me; my sensory issues could be more heightened. 

Other than that, this summer is going down as one of the best, for sure. (I just said, “for sure” ha ha ha)  

We did so many new things; we had a great deal of fun together. David participated in several more activities too which was nice. I started the transition to school this past Monday, it went ok. My hope is that if I start now by the time we actually do start they will feel more at ease and it will go a little smoother. Next week, Ariel and Joshua are going to camp at the museum all week long. It will be interesting how everything goes. (I think I am speaking for myself mostly.) They will be there from 9 am to 4 pm. They have not done anything like that before; I believe they are going to have a fantastic time. They are going to do all sorts of activities from physics to art.

I wish I could do it too!  



Continued .. The Summer Is Almost Over …

Redirecting: Finding Balance In This Season

Those who have been reading my blog for a while may have noticed that I am not posting as much as I used to. There are several factors for this; I could list them all but it will make this post much longer than it needs to be. I can get rather wordy. (And distracted.)  I can already feel my mind going into many directions, thoughts, details, explanations, stories, etc … I do not want to pull you into the labyrinth that has formed to help me make connections and solve puzzles to bring me peace of mind. No, I will spare you this time. I have plenty of “mind-dump” posts that do that. However, I make no guarantees that this post will not bewordy. Ok, I will tell you a little bit because it will help to understand. Over the course of about a year and half, I have found that I have lost interest in some of my most prominent special interests.

They have been replaced with new ones.

I have some that get triggered into a great obsession for a few days, but then I am satisfied and go back to my new ones. However, my special interests have become much more balanced. I find myself utterly submerged in absorbing information, taking in details, studying every aspect to fulfill my need to feed the insatiable desire to answer every last question that pops into my mind then, suddenly I am awakened to daily life. To my surprise, I have been able to pause my thirst for answers until I am able to devote the time I long for. This is new for me and for a period of time it left me with a mix of emotions. I felt lost. I felt as though I had lost some part of my identity and it made me feel sad. Who was I if I did not have the unquenchable desire to go on a quest of questions, answers, connections, constant RESEARCH??

I felt confused and bored.



Continued ... Redirecting: Finding Balance In This Season

Anxiety Almost Stopped Me … Almost

Yesterday I ran my first 5k and I admit I am rather proud because I placed 2nd in my age group. I was surprised when people told me, I had no intentions of winning anything — I had a certain time/pace goal, but the thought of placing did not cross my mind. It was a nice surprise. However, as proud as I am of what I accomplished with my body I feel even more sense of pride in that I actually tried it. I was too anxious to sign up for several weeks. I went a few times with intentions of signing up and I even went online to register at least five times; each time I felt panic rise up and I could not do it.

I felt like I was annoying people because I kept asking them if they were going to run.

I kept talking about it because I wanted to try it, but I could not overcome the panicky feelings that would rise within me when I thought about it. I get frustrated with myself when I do this, I try not to, but it is such an aggravating experience for me. I want to do something, but the unknown takes hold of my mind and it becomes consumed with every possible scenario or I see nothing. It feels black, empty, with vapors of fears misting through my thoughts. I am not afraid to fail. It has nothing to with that. In my mind, just attempting something new is a great accomplishment. The time it takes to prep and then, follow through is WINNING! (I feel that with most things, the areas where I struggle with perfectionism is different and they normally have to do with intellect or emotional needs of others , that is a whole other post.)

My anxiety comes from social fears and sensory unexpectedness.

Continued ... Anxiety Almost Stopped Me … Almost

Our First Fireworks Display!

This has been the summer of new adventures, no doubt, but last night was one that I never thought would be possible. Every Fourth of July has been a nightmare for our household. I personally, get so nervous, anxious, and overwhelmed with the noise that it is challenging for me to enjoy them, but I do love watching the colorful blasts explode filling the black sky with wondrous sparkles — I do love that. The kids love that part too, but the unexpected, loud, booming noises have been too much for them. I believe it was last year, that Daniel was able to watch them from inside our home without going into a panic. That set the stage for this year and his desire to go to an actual firework display.

Ariel and Joshua have wanted to go for so long, but they too are overwhelmed by the sounds.

Since so many new things have gone well overall, we decided that we would try it this year. The kids were excited and overjoyed. The kids and I were outside most of the day as they played in their pools. David took a much needed break from work inside the quiet house.  I made a traditional (to my family) type of celebration meal with hotdogs, hamburgers, potato salad, deviled eggs, (David’s favorite) and other veggie sides, plus a strawberry pie! (Recipe here Spring Fruit – Strawberries, there are several recipes on that page, but I only made the pie. I did not have time to do the nut crust so I made this one instead – coconut flour pie crust, I used coconut oil instead of butter.)



Continued ... Our First Fireworks Display!

Joshua’s Birthday Weekend Bash!

Joshua is 8 years old today!! Yay! The last two weeks have been a whirlwind, but now that I say that I realize that I have been saying that for at least a year. This year has been nonstop with all sorts of new adventures, changes, and our everyday life is so full. This is much different from when I first started this blog. Onto this past weekend, well Saturday I had planned a birthday party for Joshua. Unfortunately, every year Joshua’s birthday falls on a weekend that tends to be busy for everyone. I tried to get more people to come and plan a party, but things just fell apart. I was more concerned with how Joshua was going to take the disappointment because he can take things very personal — if not reminded of the actual circumstance he can fall into thinking that people did not want to come or that they did not come on purpose.

I came up with a plan to try to make it not so disappointing for him.

He also, wanted another Sonic cake which to be honest after the past two weeks the thought of trying to do that was overwhelming. Instead, I offered the idea of some gourmet cupcakes. After I told him what they would be he was “ok” with that. However, when he saw the tasty treats that I made then, ate them he said, “I am so glad you talked me into these cupcakes mom! They are SOOOOO good!” Score!  I planned a family party with just us and offered to do it in the morning so he would not have to wait, another SCORE for me. Another good thing was that my dad and step mom were town for her family reunion and they were able to come over and visit for a few hours. It was really pleasant and all of the kids were happy to see them. 



Continued ... Joshua’s Birthday Weekend Bash!

Struggles With Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Eating Disorders, & Sensory Processing

If you are not familiar with Body Dysmorphic Disorder here is the definition:

Body Dysmorphic Disorder is a mental disorder characterized by a  a preoccupation with a defect in  the person’s physical appearance. The defect is either imagined, or, if a slight physical anomaly is present, the individual’s concern is markedly excessive. The preoccupation must cause significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Last, the preoccupation cannot be better accounted for by another mental disorder (e.g., dissatisfaction with body shape and size in Anorexia Nervosa). ~ Body Dysmorphic Disorder Symptoms By PSYCH CENTRAL STAFF

My dysmorphia fed into my later developed eating disorder. I have come very far in my recovery with my eating disorder and my BDD (I am not “officially” diagnosed, but I do seem to fall under the criteria. Having a name for it has helped me in recovery even if I am not officially diagnosed.) however; I confess there are times when my mind is high-jacked into obsessive thoughts about my perceived defect, in my case this time it is my stomach. I have had different parts of my body be the object of obsession; I have overcome several such as my body hair, my nose, and my birthmark. Those were long lasting, but I did have others come and go such as thinking that my skin had a green tint and I thought everyone could see that. It was one of the reasons why I went to a tanning bed so much in my past — I thought that when I was tan the green tint went away.

I still struggle with my arm hairs, thinking that they are gross, thick, and I feel much better when it is summer time and they are blonde.



Continued ... Struggles With Body Dysmorphic Disorder, Eating Disorders, & Sensory Processing

Happy Autistic Pride Day!

I admit, I am not really in a typative or talkative mood today. I am social’ed out and this week has been rather exhausting; with David being gone it has caused too many ripples in our routine for the kids and me. However, I still felt like sharing in the celebrations of Autistic Pride Day! I decided to share some photos of art, and some of the things that the kids like to do and collect. I take pride in how they express themselves. I enjoy walking into a room and not knowing what drawing I will see, what has been created, what items have been lined up, or what stuffed animals will be occupying our kitchen chairs. 

I am sharing a couple of my recent paintings too.

When I find myself too jumbled with emotions and thoughts, I get in a stuck state. Sometimes it is so intense that I am unable to even write poetry, which is normally my way of expression when I cannot talk or write it out. When I am unable to do those I tend to draw repetitive type of  things, such as infinities linked together or a certain flower shape, swirling lines, all sorts of shapes really. Though Ariel has not been officially diagnosed, as she gets older I see more and more traits to indicate that she too may be an Aspie girl. It is not pressing at this point to get her diagnosed. She takes pride in being herself and embraces her unique ways. She embraces her brothers and likes that we are all so different — we fit very well as spectras being diverse in our own ways on the spectrum. (Not to say that it does not bring about interesting challenges, but all families have them.)  

Anyway, here is us taking pride in being Autistic and embracing our unique selves, hope you enjoy.  



Continued ... Happy Autistic Pride Day!

First Week For Daniel At Summer Enrichment Program

I thought I would give an update for the first week of Daniel’s summer enrichment program, that way he and I could have written memory of it. Keep in mind the week before my mom was in town and we not only socialized much more, but we also did several new things. In the past, for our family trying something new had the potential of taking anywhere from one day to three weeks recovery. A constant flow of socializing caused hours of Daniel being overwhelmed leading into nonstop meltdowns no matter how much he loved it or enjoyed himself. Though I admit it was (and is when it happens) tiring and taxing on me, my concerns for him trumped what I was going through. I will say it over and over again and I do not care how many times I repeat myself, it brings such joy to my heart to see him be able to enjoy himself and be happy before and after these things.

After saying all of that, the first day was intense to say the least.

Intense is the best word I can come up with to describe it because it was not a bad experience, but it was a rough one. Daniel and I have never been away from each other for that long of a period that was not a family member’s home or our own home. I had never left him in the hands of teachers or therapists. Have I been overly protective, yes. I felt it was my responsibility because he was unable to tell me if anything was wrong or had happened to him. However, I also did not have opportunities to do things like this for Daniel either. Had there been options that we could afford or been qualified for I probably would have tried them. (Cautiously and wisely) He has been able to communicate the things that are affecting him or causing him stress so this makes me more comfortable.

I also, trust the staff and the facilities so I feel this is a perfect fit for him to try such a big adventure.



Continue ... First Week For Daniel At Summer Enrichment Program

Summer Adventures

Our summer schedule is full and has several new adventures. The kids are trying new things and I am trying new things. David will be traveling a little more and is working on new projects while continuing his normal work duties. David’s mom is coming to visit in July. I feel good about all of it so far. I am mostly excited, but I am anxious as well. My mom was in town for this past week and it was such a wonderful visit. I am still a little in awe at how incredible it was. She was in good spirits, the kids were, and so was I. Compared to last year’s visit it was (as mom put it) “like night and day.” When I compared our situations from last year to this year I could see all the positive changes that had been made from us and with my mom.

I am in a much better mental and physical state.

The kids are happier and feel better since we moved into this house. Daniel has been able to do more things for longer periods of time and enjoy himself. My mom changed jobs, transferred to a new store, gained a new boss (who she believes is an extroverted Aspie :-)) and she has been able to work through some of her financial burden. (Wish we could get to that point, but I am happy for her. It has been a long struggle and she works hard.) Last year, mom came when the weather was still cold. My mom cannot handle the cold and it determines her mood — she cannot help it. She is miserable in the cold. Our last house was a sensory nightmare and it affected my mom, she could not stay over for very long.

She was in a job that drained her physically, mentally, and emotionally.



Continued ... Summer Adventures

IEP: Components to Consider When Seeking Accommodations III

Continued from: IEP: Components to Consider When Seeking Accommodations II

There seems to be much focus on controlling behaviors instead of actual academic goals or the emphasis is placed upon trying to get the child to fit into an environment. The environment itself could actually be causing them to manifest “behaviors” that the teachers/parents/IEP team want to stop. For Autistics and for some of those who have learning challenges, maybe Autistic with learning challenges, and/or additional components such as ADHD, anxiety disorder, depression, sensory processing movement is essential to being able to learn, process, and retain. Movement helps the mood, it helps the brain make connections, stimming releases stress and anxieties when forced to control our movements or limit them it can limit our abilities. This was an interesting read AUTISM IS NOT COGNITIVE… IT’S A MOVEMENT DISORDER!

Not only is there the emotional aspect of wanting to please and not being able to stop ourselves, but the words spoken or actions taken can be traumatic.

It can make us feel wrong or bad about ourselves. It can be confusing. Why is it so wrong to hand flap, jump up and down, clap, hum, or twirl? Granted there are some stims that are harmful and of course they need to be considered differently, but the body’s response or the stim is a form of communication. We are telling you something. I will use myself as an example, if I am in an emotional discussion and the person will not stop talking, I shutdown. If I manage to voice that I need them to stop talking and they do not I feel like my insides are bursting apart. I am jumbled, confused, overwhelmed and literally feel the words on my body and go through my body. I start to panic and my uncontrollable form of outward expression is to dig my nails into my flesh.

I cannot talk, I can only claw, dig, scratch, pinch, and pull at my flesh.





Continued .. IEP: Components to Consider When Seeking Accommodations III

IEP: Components to Consider When Seeking Accommodations II

Continued  from: IEP: Components to Consider When Seeking Accommodations

To give clarity about these posts, I am giving suggestions, insights, and trying to bring some awareness that the needs of our children and their goals should be based upon their specific strengths and challenges. This is supposed to be the purpose of the Individualized Education Plan (IEP), but I have observed from reading and interacting with parents that many times terms are blanketed into one thing such as working on motor skills, but no one has looked into dysgraphia, in some cases they have not even heard of it. If there are issues with following instructions, unable to follow instructions, disorganized, repeatedly looks as if they are listening, but do the opposite or their attempts are different from what you told them some claim these to be behavioral problems.

Or automatically ADHD, there could be other things to consider — dyslexia, executive functioning dysfunction, or even taking time to observe/ask about sensory sensitivities.

To take it one step further, ask or observe if there are any social issues that may be happening. From my personal experience, I have had moments when my mind gets so confused by a social interaction that I cannot focus or discern what I am being told or asked. This happened to me as a child and many times I was able to recover quickly when I was (am) able to understand the situation. Of course, this is not going to be all the time and every situation is different, but by adding accommodations/goals to an IEP for social circumstances could benefit a child and teachers greatly. If they struggle with math has dyscalula been considered? When they become overwhelmed with sensory issues have the specific ones been broken down and was accommodations/goals written for them. I go through those and several others in my next post.

This sounds like a lot and it is, but consider what the child/person is going through. 



Continued ... IEP: Components to Consider When Seeking Accommodations II

Mirroring Or Codependent? (repost)

Forewarning I am in a processing mode. I did not intend to make this so long, but clearly I had a lot to process.  I have started my journey of learning about codependency. I have been reading about it off and on for over a year now. However, I have only recently understood the terms, meanings, and behaviors in the last week applying them to my behaviors. As well as others who are in my life. The more I read the more I am not so sure that I fall under the typical codependent behaviors.

When I break down the signs of codependency, they seem different from what is described by others. 

Meaning I have not read of others with codependent behaviors who stop the behaviors once they see them. I do not feel that I need a person to make me happy. I feel like I have gotten myself trapped into relationships that I never wanted to be in. It is as if one day I wake up and say, “Where the hell am I?” (Pardon the language.) I am processing though so who knows what I will determine about myself.

Before I go on I found these to be words of wisdom. 

“It’s not a good idea to label yourself codependent, unless you plan to do something constructive about it. Because labels don’t empower you; they reinforce the undesired effect. Codependency is, however, a label of our time. So many facets of society are codependent. It’s usually synonymous with romance, too. Codependency is so ubiquitous that first of all, it’s hard to recognize. Secondly, it’s hard to end it — the healthy way.” 

End a Codependent Relationship the Healthy Way 

In the past when I have felt that I was dependent upon someone, or even something I cut it off. 

Continued ... Mirroring Or Codependent?

Mirroring Or Codependent? (repost)

Forewarning I am in a processing mode. I did not intend to make this so long, but clearly I had a lot to process.  I have started my journey of learning about codependency. I have been reading about it off and on for over a year now. However, I have only recently understood the terms, meanings, and behaviors in the last week applying them to my behaviors. As well as others who are in my life. The more I read the more I am not so sure that I fall under the typical codependent behaviors.

When I break down the signs of codependency, they seem different from what is described by others. 

Meaning I have not read of others with codependent behaviors who stop the behaviors once they see them. I do not feel that I need a person to make me happy. I feel like I have gotten myself trapped into relationships that I never wanted to be in. It is as if one day I wake up and say, “Where the hell am I?” (Pardon the language.) I am processing though so who knows what I will determine about myself.

Before I go on I found these to be words of wisdom. 

“It’s not a good idea to label yourself codependent, unless you plan to do something constructive about it. Because labels don’t empower you; they reinforce the undesired effect. Codependency is, however, a label of our time. So many facets of society are codependent. It’s usually synonymous with romance, too. Codependency is so ubiquitous that first of all, it’s hard to recognize. Secondly, it’s hard to end it — the healthy way.” 

End a Codependent Relationship the Healthy Way 

In the past when I have felt that I was dependent upon someone, or even something I cut it off. 

Continued ... Mirroring Or Codependent?

Intermission Post: My Made Up Deadlines

Hi there! I had planned on sharing the posts that I had been working for months about IEP’s (Individualized Education Plan) and it happened again. I went back to edit and add additional resources only to find myself overcome with confusion and doubt. I became worried that I was not making any sense. I was concerned that I had too many resources because I forget that not ALL people are like me — they do not enjoy consuming copious amounts of information. It is not their special interest and they spend their time on other things, just give the bullet points Angel! I am not good at that, I am not a “bullet point” type of person.

I consume, analyze, implement, dissect, organize information in my head, then I connect personal and observed experiences.

I think of as many situations as possible and different perspectives trying my best to include those thoughts throughout my posts when writing on a specific topic. As I am working on the post, if I find new information or someone posts on the same topic it derails me and can cause me to go down multiple paths until I come full circle back to what I had hoped to articulate, or I find that I lost my original point. I have many posts in my drafts that are just sitting there because this has happened to me and I could not go back to continue it or I morphed it into another post that I did publish.

Much like my everyday life, I put a lot of pressure on myself with writing sometimes.



Continued ... Intermission Post: My Made Up Deadlines

IEP: Components to Consider When Seeking Accommodations

This is the first of a three parter. You guessed it I got REALLY wordy and detailed so as to not bombard people with too much information at once I decided to make it into three. In these posts, I give a lot of information, resources and some of my personal examples, life experience. This post contains resources and some of my opinions regarding the IEP and 504. :-) Before you dive into this or possibly feel overwhelmed by all of it let me say this. I would suggest that you ponder what accommodations that you make at home to help your child feel safe. Consider times when you were trying to teach them something, how did they learn best? Think about any moments that were successful and try to write down what you can remember about the event. When have they been their happiest and most at ease? Think of times when you were teaching them something and they were the most responsive, they enjoyed themselves, and/or were able to process better.

Write them down or even record it on your phone or something.

Make it as easy as possible for you to get what you remember documented to help you, consider the environment. Think of the people or family members that were around; is your child more responsive toward a specific personality type? Maybe, just maybe you can share that with the IEP team and they can work with that information. Think of the clothes that they were wearing. Try to think of the foods that they ate that day, any sort of sensory and social situation that pops into your memory. You do not need to get all of the details at once. Try to get what you remember, if possible ask your child. When did they have the most fun learning? What would be their ideal learning environment? ASK for those types of things for accommodations in the IEP.

I understand that not all schools/learning environments are going to be able to accommodate each and every thing.



Continued ... IEP: Components to Consider When Seeking Accommodations

The Relational Loop – Panic Trigger

I was doing fairly well last week, I had a lot going on so I did not have much time to consider the other things that were silently lingering in the back of mind. There was another silent, but loud at moments, thing that was going off in the underlying of my mind. It was the thought, How many times do I have to loop about this? It has been since childhood! Of course, it ruminated for a little while and the more it trickled its voice into my head the more that the internalized triggers and outward triggers started to explode bombs through my amygdala. The additional information from emotions, sensory, and environmental change were also at play. We have had terrible storms come through, but it was beautiful and warm for several days as well. I love being outside in the warmth, when it is nice outside that is where you will find me.

However, when the weather suddenly changes, pressures get all out of sorts, the temperature drops my mood goes with it.

(Daniel gets affected by weather changes too and his anxieties rise.) Even during some of my most anxiety ridden or challenging depressive times, I would find some hope and peace in the great outdoors, I love the sun. Weather changes make a huge impact on me. This year has been a mess of hot and cold and unpredictable weather patterns which, is contributing to my anxiety. I am also, “silently” processing in certain parts of my mind the fact that I finally openly shared on my personal facebook page with family and older friends that I am diagnosed Aspergers. I went further and emailed my dad as well. Those alone are lingering anxiety webs that are attached to many triggers no matter if the outcomes were to be positive, negative, or neutral – there is no way around me going through anxiety with that. Overall doing that has been good for me and given me a new confidence.

 I can tell you all of this.



Continued ... The Relational Loop – Panic Trigger

What Do I Want?

This post is a trail of collaborated thoughts spawned from various things I read and personal interactions recently. My mind has meandered into the question “What do I want?” Since I was a child there has been a longing, some sort of gaping hole that I felt in the metaphorical place that people claim certain feelings lurk within our bosom. My heart pounds rapidly, deeply, the thumping of a drum that continues to be fluid except for that one off beat skip, a silence then, and an echo back to the proper rhythm where I feel content. I do not recall a time in which the hollowness was not there. I cannot remember a time that I did not feel the brum, brum, brum, PANG, brum. What is that emptiness that cannot be fulfilled? I have tried so many things to sew up that painful lesion.

Many addictive band aids of all sorts, religious type glue, and even attempting to tear it wide open.

My hidden cavern tucked away — a vacancy that gives the impression that I am the only one who feels this. That I am the only one who knows what it feels like to walk in the trenches of a wasteland. I hide it well behind my eyes and my smiles. It is covered up with my laughs and silliness. But it is always there. The smiles, laughs, and silliness can be real, but the chasm is still there. Many times I am perfectly fine; I have made friends with the hollowed portions of me. We are good. I am not afraid of it. I find comfort in my favorite poets during these times. I recite Edgar Allen Poe’s Alone with a glimmer and a spark. Sometimes it feels black and void, but I am not afraid of darkness … there is not a lot of things that I am afraid of. If I were to narrow it down my biggest fear is rejection and being invisible, I have mentioned that before.

I think my wounded hole manifests its existence more so when I am anticipating rejection or confused by social situations.



Continued ... What Do I Want?

State Testing Was A Positive Experience!

I wanted to share what a positive experience state testing was for us and why. I especially wanted to share because last year I had a minor panic/meltdown leading me into anxiety driven research mode about state testing and I ended up writing two posts about it. (State Testing, IEP, Accommodations – Concerns and State Testing, IEP, Accommodations – Questions!) My anxiety induced research modes can be quite useful and fabulous for staying fixated and on task, so I am thankful for them many times. This research mode helped a great deal in finding out what accommodations and requests I could make for Daniel and Joshua not only for state testing, but for their IEP’s. I had hoped to gain knowledge, wisdom, and insights from other experiences that parents had, but I did not find much on the topic.

I did not hear from many people either, so it left me to wonder if I was the only one.

I knew that many parents before me had gone through the state testing process, but I had not found anything from them nor did I receive much feedback from my posts. I am not sure why, but now I feel that for those who may be experiencing similar feelings or who do not know how to handle state testing I will share our experience. I am also, working on a post about IEP’s — I hope to have it finished this week. I went into the IEP meetings with all of my requests listed for accommodations for Daniel and state testing. I had an understanding and knew what I could receive for him.

I had already made up my mind that if his needs were not met that I would opt out.

However, I wanted him to have this experience. I was concerned for Ariel as well because she has such intense anxiety with new experiences. Her social anxiety can become overwhelming for her as well. She shutdowns and cannot think very well when she is in anxiety mode. Still it was important for us to attempt this to stretch ourselves and also, for us to engage on some level with the local kids that also attend the virtual school. You never know where you can meet kindred spirits or engage in a new social encounter good or bad. It is good for me too because it helps me to overcome my own anxieties, meet the teachers in person, and interact with other parents.

Ok, ok how was it positive?



Continued ... State Testing Was A Positive Experience!

Many Facets of Expression: Expressions of PosAutivity #AutismPositivity2014

Today I am participating in the Expressions of PosAutivity, I was not sure if I was going to be able to express what I had hoped to … I am still not sure I did, but I do believe I share my positive experiences with expression and how important it is to not only be flexible with other’s ways of expression, but for ourselves as well.

Silently Spoke

I had words,
but could not speak
my eyes misled,
my smile inappropriate,
this body danced,
it pounced and pranced — I spoke

I had many words without a useful mouth,
lips tied; double knotted, invisible string
eyes blinked immeasurable worlds
ears that sang colors for no one to feel
my hands stroked brushes in minglings,
emotions without voice — I spoke

my own personal meltdowns,
shutdowns raging in a stoic face,
masked and cradled in between scratching hands,
nails penetrating flesh,
scars coated in silenced words,
erupting to speak out,
words aggressively broke free,
these fingers glided letters in form — I spoke

~~~~~~

I shared a poem first because many times, it is my only way I can express myself. With poetry, I find that words flow out easily – they are the parts of me that are stirring, but I have no understanding about them. I can write out in bursts of words, then it can take hours, days, weeks, and yes, even years to finally grasp what my mind and/or body were trying to tell me. When the words come, in that moment I feel deeply connected to myself and others who may be in my thoughts. I may not have the fullness of why, but I do know that in that moment the expression makes perfect sense and will manifest answers or connections to other things at some point in time — that brings me peace and comfort.

I think that the Autism Positivity flashblog has been an incredible source of enlightenment.



Continued ... Many Facets of Expression: Expressions of PosAutivity #AutismPositivity2014