I Don’t Have A “Bestie”

I will forewarn you this post is a processing post that is filled with a culmination of my lifetime of confusion and hurt about relationships. It was spawned from a web of thoughts connected by my longing for a person that I believed existed. A person that I thought was out there who understood me, who one day I would find and pieces of me would finally make sense. I thought that they would help me understand me because we would “know” one another and just “fit.” I have been pondering these thoughts for months. I have been analyzing, researching, rethinking, and dissecting what unconditional love is supposed to mean. I am sure that this post is going to manifest into several as I make connections, but I am tackling this “bestie” thing today. Bestie or better known as best friend is something that I do not have in my life. If I did would never call them my bestie unless it was in some sort of mocking way. 

I do not usually use words like “bestie” “BFF,” or “fav person.”

The concept of best makes me automatically feel as if there is some sort of completion. This person is better than you no matter what – they are the best. I understand that best applies to their connection and their relationship, but in my experience, a person who tells me this is their best friend is setting a boundary and telling me that no one will ever measure up and no one can contribute anything to the dynamic of the relationship. No matter what everyone else is out. As far as I know no one considers me their best friend, they may consider me their good friend, but no one has said that I am their “best friend.” I do make a very good friend – I do not know if I could be a best friend. Not in the way that I perceive people being best friends anyway. These thoughts and realizations have become clearer to me in the last few weeks when I have witnessed pictures and all of the verbal and physical affections poured out to others.

It triggered my painful experiences with friendships.

Continued ... I Don’t Have A “Bestie”

Cultivating My Own Support Network

There are people who have had great support from loved ones and friends throughout their life. There are those who have managed to find support to help them, such as finding groups, forums, meetings, organizations, and/or through their religion. I have not had that — my life has been rather lonesome and self-reliant. Though I do not want to say I have not received any support from friends or family, I have. However, it has come at a cost — many times I found that my needs were not actually met. I ended up stuffing my needs out of guilt, shame, or obligation. I had to be ok. I had to get over whatever I was struggling with because others needed more support. Or what I was going through was not “as bad” as what someone else was going through.

It felt as if I was either ignored or that I was on some sort of check list for them, and once they felt I was ok, they could move onto their next thing.

It feels very invalidating and because of this, I’ve grown accustomed to doing things on my own. I had to learn as a child to take care of myself and others. My emotional needs were not a priority to the adults in my life. My basic physical needs were met, but many times accompanied with guilt for needing anything in the first place, unless it was the holidays/birthdays. During those times, I was showered with gifts, but there were also times when I hated getting gifts because I knew that they would only be used against me at some point, if I did something wrong or if I asked for something during the year. I am not sure why I expected more support from my family when we discovered that Daniel was Autistic. I am not really sure what I expected at all, other than wanting to talk to them about it, for them to want to learn about it, and try to understand it along with me.

I did expect for people to listen to me, allow me speak about my concerns, and my enthusiasm at discovering answers.

Continued ... Cultivating My Own Support Network

Holiday Happiness

First of all I want to say Happy Holidays and I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday! I know that it can be difficult for some, this year happens to be one of the better holiday seasons that I have had. For those of you who need some love and hugs here you go.

I used this image because Daniel liked it best. :-)

I found myself pleasantly surprised at how jolly I was feelings…

I even found myself not being as depressed and anxious as I normally seem to be – when I think of holidays dread normally comes to mind. Yesterday, I was doing very well too. I went to work out early in the morning, had to make a trip to the store which, turned out to be nice and quiet. It was mostly full of men and I found it interesting that the wild rampage buzz that has been around for weeks was not there at all. I actually got into a conversation at the check-out and left Wal-Mart all smiles. All smiles! Yes, it was a Christmas miracle. However, later in the afternoon social confusion took a toll and many triggers were set off. I will not go into detail, but basically it was triggered by someone either trying to make me feel guilty or it was their own guilt.

I could not discern because despite how well I am feeling all of the things that my mind is processing still leaves me fragile. 

Continued ... Holiday Happiness

Too Good To Be True?

I am glad I wrote out my thoughts yesterday it helped to clear my mind and ease some of my “meeting new people” anxieties. I had not planned on writing about our social experience yesterday, but there were too many fantastic things that happened – I really would like to. Plus, I am extremely frustrated with my inability to finish my last post from the series 5 Actions That Gave Me Hope About Autism. It is about cultivating my own support network and I am struggling with keeping it focused. I think I am over 2000 words. However, it is 2000 words of scattered thoughts not flowing cohesively. I want it to be shorter. Urg! Aaag! Ug! Those are my most scholarly of words that describe my frustrations. 

I had my normal social anxieties about going to a new place and meeting new people, but something felt different. 

I was not in a panic or overly concerned with how Daniel was going to respond. I think there were multiple factors, but one major factor was that David was at ease. He has been a source of my “enhanced” social anxiety (obviously not the source) in the past because of his own social anxieties. It has been a long time since he has found anyone that he could relate to and all of my efforts of trying to get us connected with others in the past were not successful. There are many reasons for that the simplest of reason, “not our crowd.” I can find topics and things to speak with people if I am put into a social setting I have learned to do that through family situations and as a means to cope – I learned to mirror rather well. David either connects or does not – he has no patience for certain types of people. He is not mean; he just does not waste his energies.

I am intrigued by all people and the more I do not understand them the more I can get fixated on the why’s and how’s of their personality. 

Continued ... Too Good To Be True?

Not In The Mood

I have found myself the last few days going to social media and the phrase, “Not in the mood” pops in my head. I go to my personal page and grow frustrated and tired of all the memes, political hubbub, holiday battle nonsense, pictures of copious amounts of baked goods to the point of gluttony, followed by other rhetoric of what “Christmas” is all about while glaring lighted trees and glowing packages stab my eyes. I do not mean to sound negative, I am not really I am simply processing my feelings of disconnect. I am tired of the fury rising up within me as I read inspirational quotes from people who condemn homosexuality … quotes that talk about loving unconditionally and the true meaning of Christmas while they attack those that they do not even know with their next post. (??)

It irritates me; I roll my eyes and try to let it go.

I go to my other facebook page where us “misfits” are and find much more solace. However, I have found myself thinking the same thing, “Not in the mood.” It means something different on that page though. It means that I am emotionally tired. I find myself reading and wanting to comment. I want so much to interact and participate, but I haven’t the energy. I even start writing comments, put forth all the energy then, delete it because I am not sure how it will be received. So I go through this back and forth battle in my mind of questioning why I cannot just leave a comment without being bombarded with anxiety. This type of thing comes and goes for me. Some days I have no problems interacting other days I feel a rippling fear.

In full circle, thinking of “not in the mood” it seems that my mind has created a trigger statement to protect itself.

Continued ... Not In The Mood

Improving Physical and Emotional Environment II

Since I have been able to accept, process, and work through healing from some of my past abuse I have been able to explain to David how words, actions, and behaviors affect me. Before, I was unable to gather words to speak to him. Part of that has to do with his personality, but it also has to do with my inability to know or share what I am feeling or why. This bit of information helped me to understand how much Daniel was feeling unsafe in his environment. Like many things, I had an understanding, but it had not truly registered. Daniel has been unable to communicate his sensory struggles, feelings, triggers, people, and situations that cause him to feel unsafe. He did not feel emotionally safe in his environment for a long time because it has been and still is difficult for him to understand his emotions, our emotions, or reasons for people’s actions.

But the greatest obstacle has been his physical environment.  

I am at an advantage in the sense that I have more experience with emotion and time interacting, observing, and analyzing to create some sort of conclusions about what people are doing and why. He does not have that what other people take for granted such being able to read body language, tone, expressions on faces and applying that to a situation or emotion does not come easily for us. I have practice and I still get confused. He has relied heavily on his physical environment to be a safe place, however; he is extremely sensory sensitive and is dependent upon his routines to bring peace. He can understand his environment and he expects it to be reliable. If it is too stressful of an environment he cannot function. In other houses we have lived in the sensory aspect was too overwhelming which, caused him to be in a constant state of anxiety and “fight or flight” mode.

This hinders anyone’s ability to process information.

Continued ... Improving Physical and Emotional Environment II

Improving Physical and Emotional Environment I

Most of us are aware that our environment can have a huge impact on how we feel, respond, and communicate. I know this, but many times I tend to forget. In the past, I was not so aware and it caused serious confusion. It was confusing, frustrating, and at times frightening as my body, emotions, and certain responses manifested from me when I had no idea what was causing it. Now I have an understanding of my own challenges such as, sensory processing disorder, synesthesia, executive functioning disorder, anxiety, depression, PTSD, social confusion, and learning about how my brain processes. (I can keep listing, but I will stop there.) My brain consumes all sorts of information, details, and emotions with the inability to discern what is important and what is not.

Everything is important!!

This does not include all of the underlined or things hidden to my conscious that my mind is processing.  It collects everything thinking it’s all very important. So it files it away until a sensory, emotional, or PTSD trigger causes it to manifest. I have witnessed similar things happen to my kids, especially with Daniel. Because of his developmental delays, his ability to understand and process his physical and emotional environment can be even more confusing, frustrating, and frightening. I am still learning how much my environment affects me. With new understanding, I have been making changes to improve my quality of life – by doing this, I have gained much more self-acceptance and understanding. This allows me to communicate better.

It can still take some time for me to understand and find the words to explain to someone how I am affected or feeling.

Continued ... Improving Physical and Emotional Environment I

Urg! Awwg! Bleak! Blaaak! – Mind Work!

I had to get that out. This week has been a whirlwind and I am frazzled. My executive function is basically null and void … more so than, usual. I completely forgot three of the boy’s classes. I had to reschedule a couple of them. I have lost track of time, days, papers, and fatigue swallowed my body on several occasions. One culprit that started this happened last Monday when Daniel’s speech pathologist quit all of the sudden. It started with that, but through the last two weeks other things contributed. Joshua’s OT was supposed to start on a certain day – it had to be rescheduled because of license issues.

The Y cancelled practically every one of my classes because of weather conditions. 

David has had meetings with work and has gone to several meetings, conferences, social media pow wow’s this week. David being social is all kinds of new. I am happy that he is meeting people and getting out, but this week he has been gone a lot AND it has been on my workout nights so … the classes that are now back in session I have missed. My routines are all out of whack, Daniel’s routines are all out of whack, Joshua’s routines are all out of whack, and David’s routines are all out of whack. I like saying “out of whack.” Ariel is doing fine and dandy when all gets to be too much I can find her curled up with a book in bed with Nathaniel the cat who is a little perturbed that we are messing with his daily schedule.

He has to patrol the house, checking on things and us ensuring we are not up to something, you know.

Continued ... Urg! Awwg! Bleak! Blaaak! – Mind Work!

Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary II (Repost)

I am very much stuck on the second movie I watched. America the Beautiful 2: The Thin Commandments. (Probably because it is a documentary and I love documentaries.) It made me cry too. I wanted to scoop up all the women in the world who suffer from poor body image, hug them, and cry with them. That says a lot because you know I am not about the hugging! Hee hee There are many aspects of this movie that touched me. I thought it brought some perspective into the dieting industry, trickles of the modeling industry, and different perspectives from people all living their lives on a body image spectrum. One extreme to the other, balance and discontent, eyes blinded and eyes opened. I watched this with a heavy heart for all of those who have fallen for the “diet lie.” I have never been that good at dieting, but good at starving myself.

The western culture seems to thrive on diets. (obsession)

The scale has never been a realistic tool for me. I cannot determine what is the difference between 98 pounds and 130 pounds they look the same in the mirror. I did not have a realistic view of my body when I was pregnant either. Quite honestly, I thought I looked skinnier pregnant with the twins. Explain that! No clue. I thought I was huge with Joshua. See no rhyme or reason to this stuff for me. I found several resources that I plan to devote more time to, but skimmed over today. One was this HEALTHY BODY IMAGE Teaching Kids to Eat and Love Their Bodies Too There is a lot in this, but I am sharing some info about dieting. (That link has since, been taken down. I am trying to locate info about it.)

Continued ... Food Stuff, Diets Egad! Movie & Documentary II

Perceptions and Stuff (Repost)

Alright after yesterday I could not let go of the thoughts about how I perceive things. I got really focused on perception, and the web search began. As I was explaining that I have a constant story going on in my mind I wrote:

I think that I do this because I know and have known my whole life that my perception can be off. In order to make sure that I am as accurate as possible I have created a lifelong story to maintain detailed memories. I will not say that I am 100% accurate in my perception, but my memory is quite good. Unless I am overloaded then, my short-term memory can get jumbled. However, I am usually able to keep an accurate memory, though my perception may be off.

Now that I think of it, my story telling is most likely scripting.

I have learned to control talking out loud the scripts that are racing in my mind or repeating what others say…most of the time. I still say things and I still type things thinking that people know what I am talking about. I forget that they cannot hear what is going on in my mind. Lol! The more I think about it I think that I may be wrong about my perception. My perception may not be that off. I believe I have found yet another source of anxiety that I can control. My fear of perceiving things wrong stems from me feeling like I am being judgmental instead of perceptive. Or that I am inaccurate in how a person feels based solely on their words and actions. I realize that most people do not share what they are truly feeling. I know that I have had this epiphany before, the problem is, I will not remember. It is a perception thing and people can change from day to day.

With some people the person they want you to perceive them as changes on a daily bases.

Continued ... Perceptions and Stuff

“Sometimes I Feel Beep”

This weekend I have been struggling with emotions. I know, big surprise! I have no idea what I am actually feeling and I keep wavering with a flux of feelings. One moment I am fine, the next I am irritated, the next too fatigued to even feel anything, the next joyful, the next angry, the next sad, back to feeling some sort of jollity. I have no explanation; frankly I am tired of analyzing myself so I am not going to. I have too much to do and the reality is this is what my brain does. I can break down into great detail every single thing that is causing me to feel such a multiplex of emotions, however; today it can be summed up to this – it is December.

That is all.

This month holds too many traumas, confusing social experiences, too much sensory sensations and cold weather. Those wrapped up into a big blanket of unresolved pain, confusion, overwhelming intensities of joy and love, enhanced by anxieties all sweep around and through me creating a vortex of emotional whirling. So when Joshua handed me a piece of paper that read,

“I love you. But sometimes I feel like I’m beep.” 

Continued ... “Sometimes I Feel Beep”

Going Down As One Of The Great Days

This morning started off awful. From the moment Daniel woke up it was meltdown mayhem. This post is by no means going to be complaining about what took place. I have been waiting for it to happen any day he has does remarkably well with everything that has gone on the past two weeks. However, it is exhausting and when I have my own issues along with trying to manage everyone else around here I do reach my limits. This morning was two hours of nonstop meltdown and I could do nothing to help Daniel. I think playing in the snow yesterday pushed him to his brink. This morning when he could not find his thermometer to check the temp outside there was nothing that was going to ease his frustrations.

When I could not find it and we had reached no resolution, he just went to his room.

He went to his room! He has not done this before. Usually, when it reaches that point his day is ruined. He can find calm, but he will still be on edge and practically anything could trigger him. It is still very difficult for him because he is not able to communicate all the time what is upsetting him. He seems just as surprised by his emotions as we are at times. He does not understand the toll that all of the sensory/emotional/social/everyday processing has on him. I still struggle with this too. When you are having fun or just living life you do not expect it to be so trying. It is hard to remember and realize how much processing your brain is doing – many people do not seem to need to worry about that.

This week, just as last week his school schedule changed.

Continued ... Going Down As One Of The Great Days

Autism Cannot Be Blamed for Everything

In the beginning, I had no idea what autism was only that it was fused with negativity and was so enigmatic. Things started to come together for me when I read “The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome” by Tony Attwood. However, it was not clear enough for me to understand the differences that Daniel had from an Aspergers diagnosis. He did not fit the criteria for Aspergers, though different doctors would disagree. He was social at times – when we went into the doctor’s office he just looked like a very busy “I have things to investigate” type of kid. If the doctor talked to him he would look at him, he would smile, but not for long and he did not talk.

Mystery?? Not really, now that I understand a bit more about autism.

Through the years, I have gained better understanding I still find it challenging to explain to a person. If you put autism into a search engine you can get all sorts of information – if you do it without any knowledge or you have a preconceived idea it can be riddled with even more confusion. What is autism? I am not going to go into defining autism. Other people have written some great posts and I will share a few at the end of this. However, for me when I understood that autism is considered a “social disability” I was able to separate my different challenges – I was able to see how others, including myself had blamed all symptoms or behaviors on autism when in fact it may or may not be a contributing factor.

There can many other challenges that impact the quality of life for an Autistic individual.


Continued ... Autism Cannot Be Blamed for Everything

A Look At Criticism & Negative Self-Talk

Recently, Inner Aspie shared a Positively Speaking Challenge that she decided to do as a personal goal for 7 days. I read her personal challenges and pondered over them for that week. I realized that I tend to be more harsh and critical on myself than anyone else. I overcompensate any negative thoughts toward someone else by magnifying their good qualities and turning all of the negative on myself. I used to be a mix of letting everything out on someone without a thought and self-attack.

At some point, the guilt I felt after criticizing, expressing my anger, frustrations, opinions, etc… was too much. 

I was already prone to this type of thinking, but I would stand up for myself and tell people they were full of it they criticized me. I would then, (still do) internalize all of their comments and negativity, but I still told them to shove it. I know that the complete internalization transition became rooted once I started going to church. I adopted the false belief that if I had any negative feelings, or expressed myself in a way that upset others than, I was being evil and wrong. A “Christian” never hurts another living soul. While I believe, we should not hurt others, to turn that onto myself is just as wrong. I am a human being too who does not deserve constant criticism by anyone, including myself.

My mom and I talked about this last week. 

Continued ... A Look At Criticism & Negative Self-Talk