“Daniel, You Are An Awesome Cat!”

This may be a little ranty I am not sure, but I need to process some things. Yesterday, while Ariel and Joshua were doing gymnastics Daniel and I came in for the last 15 minutes to watch them. This takes a lot for Daniel because he is in a gym with big huge mats, uneven bars, a bouncy trampoline, and large foamy blocks to jump and pounce upon. He wants so much to go running onto them or make echo sounds off the mats with his hands. He does not want to do gymnastics he just wants to play with the equipment. I try to entertain him and watch Ariel and Joshua at the same time.

It does not always work. 

He finds ways to entertain himself by finding spiders, running his fingers along the lines on the floor, clapping, and/or asking me questions. Yesterday, he was making me laugh because he was being so hilarious AND having fun. Backtrack a little, much like me Daniel has certain loops that come and go. They are areas of interest that can consume many of our thoughts and time. Daniel’s current love interest is one that he has had since he was a baby, Winnie the Pooh and all of the characters with that silly ole’ bear. Tigger and Heffalump are his two favorites at this time. He REALLY wants to have a tail like Tigger and want to do the whoopty-doopty pounce. About two weeks ago, he created a ginormous tail out of strands of string and shoelaces that he collected from around the house.

The final tail length was about twenty feet.

Continued ... “Daniel, You Are An Awesome Cat!”

Revisiting Aspergirls The Book (repost)

After thinking about some of these things that have truly “connected” in my brain this time around, I decided to revisit another book Aspergirls by Rudy Simone. I touched on the chapters titled “Marriage and Cohabitation” and “Burning Bridges” this evening. I did go over several others as well, but these two stuck out to me. First the marriage and cohabitation topic. I went back over this because it helped me remember that I am not the only one. The thing about my memory, which seems to be a common thread with Aspie’s, is that my long-term memory is insanely accurate and easy to retrieve through my senses or other triggers. My short-term memory is not as easy to retrieve and I forget a lot. I thought that there was something seriously wrong with my brain at times because my short-term memory was so bad. After reading this post “The Aspie Memory” I felt great comfort.

The terms “filmographic” instead of photographic and the “mysterious disappearing short-term memory” made me smile and say: “Thank you!”

One purpose for me writing all of these connecting factors is to create a deep-rooted memory. I am trying to get that long-term memory movie that plays and can be infused by my senses and series of events to ensure that I DO NOT FORGET. I know I will if I do not. I digress! In the chapter about marriage and cohabitation she has some very insightful things to say. First an aspergirls home is very important. It needs to be safe, we have control over all of our sensory input and needs in our home. She said: “If we have enough money to live in our choice environment, home is heaven on earth.” What a lovely thought! Oh, when my home is in perfect order, the perfect temperature, the perfect lighting, on and on I am the happiest person in the world. When my closet is straight and pantry is organized all neat and orderly, while everything else is a mess, I can find a little solace looking at them. Ok, sometimes I have plopped down in the middle of my closet and just smiled when everything is the way I want it.

I did it again…order makes me get dazed and giddy. 

Continued ...Revisiting Aspergirls The Book

Evading A Topic…John Keats Anyone? (repost)

I just spent the larger part of the morning writing about anger. It ended up being much longer than I had hoped, and opened up things that I had not anticipated. Great! Now I have to process anger. Well…My track record has been good with processing emotions so I will cling to the recent positive experiences that have transpired by tackling them head on. BUT anger is very hard for me — it is tied into a multiple of other emotions. I have never learned how to handle or express my anger properly. I also do not know how to handle someone else’s anger. That is a whole topic on its own.

Instead of exposing myself when I do not feel quite ready I will talk about John Keats.

Has anyone ever thought John Keats was an Aspie? I was just curious. I did not see it when I searched, but I did find that he suffered from depression. However, as I read some of his personal writings I thought it was interesting and felt very familiar. I read several things about John Keats last night. Then, ABC Local Conversation with Richard Filder “Tony Attwood” was on fb this morning that of course, I got sucked into because they used quotes from Mr. Darcy in the 1995 TV mini-series version of Pride and Prejudice. Which happened to be the first thing I saw with Colin Firth, and since I do adore Mr. Darcy ever so I got a little fixated with Colin. Don’t try to figure it out, I don’t know either.

Dr. Tony describes an Aspie mother and I said:”YES!”

Continued ... Evading A Topic…John Keats Anyone?

Facing A Fear With Help From Ada Lovelace (repost)

I love to read about people from the past. I drift into their worlds and escape into words written about them, but the true gem is to have their actual writings and read them. In my other worlds that I drift off to, they are filled with meeting these people from the past and asking them questions.  I discovered Ada Lovelace years ago, but I limited myself to reading too much about her because I felt too drawn to her. I did the same thing with John Keats. When I feel too drawn to people alive or dead I tend to stop myself from seeking information about them until I feel ready. I can get consumed and if I fall for them, forget it I am gone. I have learned to control this somewhat and I have found a nice balance. In the real world this may be considered “stalking”.

I am not a stalker in the scary sense. 

I am a stalker in an endearing wanting to learn everything about a person or thing, to relate or enjoy them kind of way. I do not tape up thousands and thousands of photos of a person, or walk around lurking in the shadows for them. I confess I do DO that for information. Information doesn’t care or get scared if you stalk it.  I digress! Ada Lovelace was one who I felt a deep connection to as soon as I saw her name. I have recently been researching her in greater detail and have found myself immersed in emotion, and excitement. Her contribution to the world is so amazing. Many of the women in the past who contributed a great deal to science and math are forgotten. She is considered the first computer programmer. She had ideas and vision for the future that was astounding for her day especially coming from a “woman”. (Sarcasm intended)

Continued  ... Facing A Fear With Help From Ada Lovelace

Insight From Daniel’s Dream

The talk of the house has been about reading. A personal goal that Daniel chose himself for this year was to work on language arts. He chose that for his “About Me” project that he did for his virtual social group. He did not talk much about it other than say, “I want to get better with my language arts.” I know better than, to push him for answers or reasons why – many times he is not sure how to explain it to me. He just “wants” to do things or try things. Reading aloud is an incredible challenge for him.

He and Joshua both struggle in this area.

I have had frustrations with the school doing DIBELS assessments with them because I do not feel that they are accurate at all for my kids. Even with Ariel, she reads silently at amazing speed, just last night she read three of “The Diary of a Wimpy Kid” books in an hour and half. She does score high with her reading aloud (fluency) though. I have read several things recently that have stirred my initial gut feelings about Daniel and how much he can read, understand, and comprehend. I have known all along that, he understood much more than what he could communicate and the more verbal he is getting the more I am discovering. I am not sure if Daniel will ever be comfortable using the spoken language as his main source of communication.

Mine is not, mine is in written form.

Continued ... Insight From Daniel’s Dream

Complexity Of Language (For Me) II

A bit of digression, I had not allowed myself to deviate from the definitions of “love” until recently. However, I have a multiplex of thoughts when it comes to the word love or expression of love. This applies to many words, but I am using the word love since it is such a complicated word for me. Though the words that I shared in my last post were what I felt when I thought of love, or heard the word love. Sometimes my ability to love is so simplistic that it is like watching a little child love without hindrance then, other times my caution keeps my love halted and hidden in a vortex of darkness.

I love deeply, intensely, but also very simply – still I find it all very complicated. 

When I think of loving another it can come rather easily in my way of expressing love, when I think of someone loving me it is a challenge for me to comprehend. The dictionary definitions did not reflect my thoughts, images, or emotions attached to the word love – I found (still do) find this confusing because the way that others spoke (speak) about love was not the same feeling or emotions that I had so obviously something was off.(?) I automatically assumed it was I since I had been off so many times. Many words for me, have great attachments to them that range from a scent or image to a traumatic event.

It can trigger a place and time when I first heard the word. 

Continued ... Complexity Of Language (For Me) II

Complexity Of Language (For Me) I

I find language to be a complex entity – it seems to have its very own life and I believe the complexity of its life is fused with the diversity of each individual. I have some incredible challenges trying to understand the language of others. Their use of words, how they express themselves, their inconsistent uses of language and definitions, that is with their words alone – not including all the other factors that play into communication, which, includes eyes, facial expressions, body language, emotions, and tones. Much of this includes the people in my “real” life. I seem to have a better understanding with people who I do not have past experiences with or who are acquaintances. Not always, but it can be a “smoother” interaction for me.

I believe the reasoning is because for the most part I do not think about it – I do not perceive them as expecting much from me since they do not know me that well. 

I have explained it before, but for me I rely heavily on the accuracy definitions of words to help me navigate through communication. This can make things quite confusing in a world that makes words into sound bites ridden with emotion for a literal and analytical thinker. I am a good mixture of my mom and dad – my mom tends to express with her logic most days and my dad tends to be expressive emotionally. (They are both a mix of intense logic and emotion though.) My mom cannot speak her emotions – her emotions are expressed through painting or drawing. My dad tends to express them through music, and he too is a poet.

This is yet, another component to my confusion with my dad.

Continued ... Complexity Of Language (For Me) I

Household Challenges of Social Confusion (Part Two)

Continued form my last post …

Daniel’s current favorite movie is Pooh’s Heffalump Movie. He will be nine years-old in November, I do not see many boys his age into Pooh Bear, or girls for that matter. Daniel enjoys quiet, soothing, soft type of shows that have easy social interactions. He likes everything and everyone to be calm and peaceful. This weekend I understood more so than, I had before just how much Daniel is observing his social surroundings – I confess that I tend to forget how observant he is to social dynamics. I tend to forget how confusing these things can be for him because he does not talk about any of those things. He asked questions which, made me excited that he was asking questions and wanting to know, but I had not truly soaked into my psyche how it was affecting him.

 I have my own social confusions that I am weeding through.

I do not understand the dynamics of Ariel and Joshua with their sibling relationship. I get just as confused when one moment they are playing chess and the next they seem to be bickering about it. Interestingly, I do understand their bickering I just do not understand the social aspect of it “I like you” one minute and the “Never talk to me again” the next kind of stuff throws my mind into chaos. I get confused because one day they are ok with something and the next day they are not. The only rhyme or reason is that they bicker over definitions of words, rules of games, rules in general, how you are “supposed” to say a word, whether the information that they are sharing is accurate, where and when they found their resources.

For instance, the other morning, they got into a heated debate about whether flying fish existed. Continued ... Household Challenges of Social Confusion (Part Two)

Household Challenges of Social Confusion (Part One)

Whenever I hear Joshua and Ariel start to get into their heated discussions, I brace myself for Daniel to come running in interrupting them with questions like,

What voice is that?
Are you yelling?
Are you fighting?
Why are you talking like that?
Why are you being loud?

If I do not intervene, they all get frustrated and upset.

Daniel is unsure how to comprehend their words or tones of their voices. Many times they are not necessarily getting loud, yelling, or fighting. Although, Joshua has difficulty with his voice volume and there are quite often times when he is getting very loud, it sounds as if he is getting emotional as well, but he is not – he does not think that he is loud at all and he thinks that he is talking in a calm voice. Normally, they are simply talking and debating. However, I find that I too get confused by how they speak and I ask, “Are you guys fighting?” They say, “no, we are just talking.” :-/ If it gets too upsetting for Daniel he cannot stop asking questions and it can escalate.

Their frustrations are expressed differently.

Continued ... Household Challenges of Social Confusion (Part One)

“Idle” Threats Update

Yesterday, I shared about some situations happening in our YMCA activity center in this post I Take “Idle” Threats Seriously. I wrote an email because I was unable to determine whom to contact about the situation. I just spoke with the director in charge of the activity center and she was irate. Apparently, several of the systems and procedures she has in place are not being followed. She felt that no child should ever have to go through what my kids went through and that they should not bear the responsibility of trying to control bully-type of behaviors.

She is having a staff meeting today and addressing everything that I brought up to her.Continued ... “Idle” Threats Update

I Take “Idle” Threats Seriously

All three of the kids have difficulty reading the communication of others. Joshua and Ariel will think that kids who are not being very friendly are actually their friends. Ariel is a little better, but when she is with other kids she tends to shut down and observe. She wants friends so she tries to participate. Joshua is not as observant if another child is talking to him – that is it they are “friends!” The YMCA activity center has given them social opportunities to learn from, but not all of them have been the most positive. Last Thursday, I went to go get them after my workout, there was a little boy in there that was playing the Wii with them and he said things that were not very nice to Ariel.

My motherly instincts kicked in and I told him, in a gentle way that what he was saying was not very nice or even accurate.

He quickly changed his tune – we were on our way out so I did not think much of it. Ariel and Joshua usually download the entire goings on during the hour that they are in there while we are on our way home – that day was no different. They nonchalantly told me that the boy had said, “I hate you.” You are an idiot!” and “I am going to kill you!” As well as some other things. The boys that are in this center have proven to be a bit aggressive. There was even an instance when a little girl bullied Ariel. The more my kids are sharing the more I am reconsidering letting them go any longer.

Continued ... I Take “Idle” Threats Seriously

Can You See What I Am Thinking? (Repost)

An interesting discovery happened the other day while doing an assignment with Daniel for school. He watched several videos about his workspace and then, was to draw a picture of his workspace. He was supposed to make a drawing of his desk, and books, and paper, etc… However, when he came running to me to show me what he had completed he had this:

I asked him what his drawing meant. 

Continued ... Can You See What I Am Thinking?

Yesterday, I Met My First ASD Mom (Here)

As I mentioned in my last post, yesterday I met a mom in this town who also, has an Autistic child. I noticed that Daniel went over to her three kids and started running with them right away. He was laughing and trying to participate in their “running around the tree” game. Daniel does not go up to children without prompting normally. He will steer clear and watch with caution as he plays alone. This is what did not register fully with me, I took note and thought how awesome it was that he was trying to play, but I did not go in deep thought about the situation.

The mom kept looking over at me and I smiled cordially, but I did not want to talk.

I did not pay much attention to her kids because I was concerned about Joshua. He had plopped on the grass and watched the children. He seemed off all day, he is the one who loves to play tag and will go up to any kids at the park and ask them to play tag or chase. He is not interested in playing anything else when the other kids ask though. I asked him if he wanted to play and he said no. After a few minutes, Daniel started running the perimeter of the wall. He does that to get familiar with his surroundings – he does that at every new place we go.

The woman walked over to me and started making small talk.

Continued ...Yesterday, I Met My First ASD Mom (Here)

Giving Ariel “Her” Days

Now every Friday, Ariel has her home school fine arts classes. The first one was last Friday and she and I went alone. She was excited and anxious, but it was a normal-type of anxious. Today I had to take the boys with us and this brought on another set of anxieties for her. She is naturally a leader in our home. She steps up to the mother role even when I have told her that she does not need to do it – I used to and still do the same thing. If I am out and about and see a child in need of assistance, I help. If I feel, they are in danger I respond. If I cannot see a parent, I keep an eye on the child and locate the parent.

I have done this since; I was a very little child.

It was one of the many reasons why my mom used to say that I was “five going on 30.” I see the same thing in Ariel, but I have this instinct to “let her be a child.” As we were gearing up to leave, I could see the concern and worry start to flood her mind. Her eyes were looking at the boys and she was telling them, to get their shoes on, stop messing with the things they were not supposed to, and letting them know that they needed to focus so we would not be late. I quickly stepped in and told her not to worry that I was handling everything.

She took in a deep breath and said, “Ok, mom.”

Continued ... Giving Ariel “Her” Days

Some Of My Story II …

Side note: For those who are new to my blog I want to clarify that everything I share on here I discuss with my husband. He knows what I write and share. If you were wondering – he feels that my mental and emotional health are far too important for me not to process through. He thinks that it is important that my emotions be validated, expressed, and though some of these things are painful for him, he supports me in writing about it because that is what helps me the most. That is my way of communication – if I do not write I will internalize and that is when the negative thoughts start to become too unbearable.

Back to the story…

The reason that breaking down in front of my aunt was so pivotal is that I do not cry in front of others. I have learned throughout my life how to hide, suppress, disguise with jokes, laughter, being silly, and redirecting conversations/focus so that no one knows what I am feeling. I had to in order to survive my childhood and my adult life. I was not allowed to express depression, anxiety, or even anger I grew up learning to mange everyone else’s emotions while at the same time, being confused and perplexed by them – my own emotions as well as others. I especially, learned not to show any type of emotional “weakness” around family.

I brought all of this into every relationship I have had. 

Continued ... Some Of My Story II …

Some Of My Story I …

I have tried to write a post … each time it has turned into several different posts and it still is not what I want to say. I feel that some of my story may help someone even if it is only one person so be it. I feel vulnerable and scared, but I will share. I am not in the place that I was before and now I have the understanding of those around me that I did not have before. I felt desperate and I chose to get help. Though I have not been extremely direct about our situation when dealing with us discovering that Daniel is Autistic, it is clear in my posts over the years that I did not have much support from family and my husband was here, but not here.

He would let me purchase and even suggest resources to help Daniel, but in his mind – for a long time – he felt that Daniel would “grow” out of it.

He shared this with me a while ago, but the transition into acceptance has taken time. His state of denial was silent, but his actions made it clear that he was not accepting that our son or even I were Autistic. That is another story; however, that nugget plays heavily into my spiral of despair, isolation, hopelessness, and feeling abandoned by everyone except for my mom. This abandonment fueled self-doubt and a constant tug-of-war within me that was questioning if I was doing enough for Daniel and wondering if I was overreacting. I understand what a challenge it has been for David and the major “mind adjustments” that had to take place. I am do empathize with his struggles – he needs to have that freedom to process as well.

However, I still have pain and so does he that has to be worked through.

Continued ... Some Of My Story I …

Right on Cue!

The last week I looked around the house and the random messes, clusters of books, Lego dumps, or collections of whatnot’s mingled with the odd lingering one toy or book here and there that were (in)conspicuously cluttering the back of my mind. I shared a post about our need for reorganizing and cleaning up every month, but I did not realize just how “on cue” we are for the monthly revamps. I went back to check the date of my post and I published it on August 6th, Time For Reorganizing & Preparing For School . This one was about our school reorganizing, but I share how I need to go through every month with the kids to help them clean.

All week I could feel us getting off track feeling a bit chaotic, but I could not place why.

Then, it dawned on me there were what I call “toy dumps” everywhere, random places that are filled with mish mash and the rooms were out of sorts. When our weeks start to get too full of other things or we have bad days, whatever the clusters of toys are harder for me to notice. However, my mind feels them they are like constant buzzing in my ears and it causes my processing to get flustered. I am not the only one it does the same thing to the kids. Every time I go in, clean, and reorganize peace fills our home.

We thrive on order!

Continued ... Right on Cue!

Off The Top Of My Head

In my “spare” time, I have been reading several articles on Psychology Today andPsych Central. I tend to read them on a regular basis. Although they have trumped my science, tech, and various types of blog reading lately. My mind has been really consumed with relationships. My thoughts tend to linger into my inability to categorize them and put them in their proper place. I am either very hard or extremely sensitive, when it comes to my dealings with relationships. Finding a balance has been my goal; however, it is taking much longer than I expected.

I forget that relationships cannot be categorized into simplistic diagrams.

I have to remind myself that they can be complex and are unique to every individual. I seem to have some sort of ideal in my head and expect it to happen immediately. When it does not I get derailed, if the person does not do what I expect I get derailed. I also get derailed with random things that I now connect as triggers. An action (inaction, word, phrase, picture, phone message, email, etc… can cause me to go down a path of negativity and pain. Many times I am not sure what it is that has hurt me. I only feel like my heart hurts and my mind starts spinning.

I can place the trigger, but I am unsure as to what the emotion is or why it hurts.

Continued ... Off The Top Of My Head

A Good Day!

Today went so well that I had to write a post. For myself, I also needed to process this new social situation. Today was the first day for Ariel to start her fine arts classes through a home school co-op. I will be frank, I have been hesitant to partake in local co-op’s due to past experiences, but this town has given me a different feel and the people have restored some of my faith in humanity. I am always willing to give things another chance. Sometimes that is good – other times, not so much.

My experience with this co-op has been extremely positive.

Today was no different. I was nervous, anxious, and excited just as much as Ariel. She shares many of my traits, especially socially. She is rather reserved at first, but when she feels comfortable forget about it – she will talk away and has no problems being herself. However, after every social encounter she retreats to her room for hours usually to read in quiet solace with her sole company being our cat Nathaniel. Sometimes I escape to her room too and we just sit there in peace. 

I tried to hide my anxiety as much as possible from her. 

Continued ... A Good Day!

Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection III

This past weekend, I knew that I would be somewhat affected because of my sister’s baby shower. I knew that I would have mixed emotions of guilt, fear, anxiety, and possibly confusion if I saw pictures. I did not realize that it would send me into tears for multiple days, feelings of panic, depression, and feeling that other’s find me utterly worthless. Remember, I do not think of myself like that on a regular basis – this enhances my confusion that can lead into thinking that if even my own family does not acknowledge or value what I do or who I am then, I should not either. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is what happens to me.

My mind will become bombarded with every instance my father made a promise and did not follow through.

In the past, when I have tried to share what I have accomplished, I felt as if he dismissed it by telling me what he, my sisters, or strangers had accomplished which, was normally some athletic, music, or religious type of accomplishment. My dad had no idea that I wrote poetry filtered with science. He does not know my mind. He did give me praise when I shared one of my poetry books. It is not about that, my mind has forty years of feeling unwanted and unloved. If you were to ask my dad, he would find that ludicrous. He fought for me, he wanted me, he loved me so much, but his actions and words have indicated otherwise – to me.

When the triggers come, they attack like bullets to my chest.

Continued ... Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection III

Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection II

Since I do not have the social confusion with my mom and other two sisters as I do with my dad and those three sisters, it is not as painful. I have been able to discern their actions because I understand our different ways of communication. Bottom line, I know them better we lived in the same house, we grew up with each other - I was like their surrogate mother to my sisters and quite often to my mom. In writing this post I have come to the understanding that much of my pain comes from the way I use words and the way others use words. I am going to write a post about that, but I see words and language in a complex and very meaningful way. I cannot simply look at a word and see it as a single definition or fused with one particular emotion.

My dad has different memories of our relationship – I have lived a lifetime of confusion and doubt regarding our relationship.

My dad made the comment once that he tried to make up for not being in my life monetarily. Yes, my dad sent me cards often with cash or a check and still does. I am thankful for that I appreciate those gifts and that he has remembered holidays and my birthdays. I am thankful that he thought enough to call me – I am. However, while growing up my dad would give me a certain amount of money sometimes not even, I did receive a gift from him donating money to a child in Africa in my name one year. At Christmas, I would get a card with $25 sometimes $50 and my sisters would walk in with designer jeans, shoes like Dock Martin’s, headphones, music, you name it their gifts were impressive.

One year, my sister’s walked in dawning their designer threads – I opened my present tags still on from Walmart.

Continued ... Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection II

Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection II

Since I do not have the social confusion with my mom and other two sisters as I do with my dad and those three sisters, it is not as painful. I have been able to discern their actions because I understand our different ways of communication. Bottom line, I know them better we lived in the same house, we grew up with each other - I was like their surrogate mother to my sisters and quite often to my mom. In writing this post I have come to the understanding that much of my pain comes from the way I use words and the way others use words. I am going to write a post about that, but I see words and language in a complex and very meaningful way. I cannot simply look at a word and see it as a single definition or fused with one particular emotion.

My dad has different memories of our relationship – I have lived a lifetime of confusion and doubt regarding our relationship.

My dad made the comment once that he tried to make up for not being in my life monetarily. Yes, my dad sent me cards often with cash or a check and still does. I am thankful for that I appreciate those gifts and that he has remembered holidays and my birthdays. I am thankful that he thought enough to call me – I am. However, while growing up my dad would give me a certain amount of money sometimes not even, I did receive a gift from him donating money to a child in Africa in my name one year. At Christmas, I would get a card with $25 sometimes $50 and my sisters would walk in with designer jeans, shoes like Dock Martin’s, headphones, music, you name it their gifts were impressive.

One year, my sister’s walked in dawning their designer threads – I opened my present tags still on from Walmart.

Continued ... Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection II

Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection I

This is a processing post. There are so many factors and life history that play into this that I am not covering all of my thoughts. I am sure it is going to spawn off into multiple posts. My mind has been racing, thinking, and connecting. I cannot get it all in one sitting besides I think I have to break this one up into two posts… I did. On facebook the other day, a friend of mine posted a paragraph of self-affirmations. The way she worded it was as though it was how all people talk to themselves, I had a moment with no filters and said something like, “Wow, I never talk to myself like that.” I added something about soaking in those words because I do not do that.

Part of it is my personality, I am not the type to tell myself great things about myself.

I understand that others do and it is good for them – it does not help me in anyway. It makes me feel awkward and I really do not think about those things. Even though I have my challenges with negative thinking I do not think negatively of myself truly. I do know that I accomplish a lot, I am proud of all that I have done and I have no doubt that I will accomplish  what I want to in the future. I do not think about whether I am beautiful or not unless it is brought to my attention in some way – then, I question what I look like not necessarily if I am beautiful.

I do not worry about getting older, I rather like it.

Continued ... Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection I

Heart Tinge: Start of Anxiety

I wanted to share my other post about idealized love, but I still do not feel like it is right. (ready) My head is trying to process “obsessive” love at the moment and how there can be misread signs of an Aspergers person falling into this. I have even questioned myself as to whether I had obsessive love for someone. For me I find that thought frightening – I would never want to be that way toward another human being. I do not believe that I ever have.

The first line of the definition is:

“Obsessive love is a state in which one person feels an overwhelming obsessive desire to possess another person toward whom they feel a strong attraction, with an inability to accept failure or rejection.” I do not feel that Aspergers for the most part are actually doing this in the sense of wanting to “posses” another person. I think we become overwhelmed with emotion for the person and our inability to quickly process or understand our emotions can cause us to become fixated on the person to the point of feeling like an obsession. The initial connection to a person whether a friend or love interest can be new, confusing, intense, and override our senses.

There is also the added lack of understanding of social cues, so we may be obsessed because we do not know how the person feels about us. 

Continued ... Heart Tinge: Start of Anxiety

A “Normal” Kind of Day

Yesterday took on an emotional “trigger” blast that I had not expected. Though I understand, that is how triggers work, unexpected, blasts of emotions, memories, and reliving the past in a sudden burst of what the heck was that? I am never prepared when they hit me. I am not going into that today. They are deep family wounds that I am still processing, but the reason I share that is because the good thing about being bombarded with intense anxiety, emotion, and reliving painful past traumas led me into being quite antsy.

After I came home from my cycle class, I felt this urge to go and do something.

I requested that David and I take the kids somewhere to get out of the house otherwise I was going to waste my day stimming on negative facebook stuff, and work myself into a complete frenzy of fears, doubt, and confusion. I suggested that we go to a putt-putt place where Ariel had earned a free game from her summer reading. I had never been, but I knew that it had an arcade, other loud’ish games, an indoor putt-putt, an outdoor putt-putt, and a food place.

I knew that it would be wild. 

Continued ... A “Normal” Kind of Day