Since I do not have the social confusion with my mom and other two sisters as I do with my dad and those three sisters, it is not as painful. I have been able to discern their actions because I understand our different ways of communication. Bottom line, I know them better we lived in the same house, we grew up with each other - I was like their surrogate mother to my sisters and quite often to my mom. In writing this post I have come to the understanding that much of my pain comes from the way I use words and the way others use words. I am going to write a post about that, but I see words and language in a complex and very meaningful way. I cannot simply look at a word and see it as a single definition or fused with one particular emotion.
My dad has different memories of our relationship – I have lived a lifetime of confusion and doubt regarding our relationship.
My dad made the comment once that he tried to make up for not being in my life monetarily. Yes, my dad sent me cards often with cash or a check and still does. I am thankful for that I appreciate those gifts and that he has remembered holidays and my birthdays. I am thankful that he thought enough to call me – I am. However, while growing up my dad would give me a certain amount of money sometimes not even, I did receive a gift from him donating money to a child in Africa in my name one year. At Christmas, I would get a card with $25 sometimes $50 and my sisters would walk in with designer jeans, shoes like Dock Martin’s, headphones, music, you name it their gifts were impressive.
One year, my sister’s walked in dawning their designer threads – I opened my present tags still on from Walmart.Continued ... Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection II
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