Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection III

This past weekend, I knew that I would be somewhat affected because of my sister’s baby shower. I knew that I would have mixed emotions of guilt, fear, anxiety, and possibly confusion if I saw pictures. I did not realize that it would send me into tears for multiple days, feelings of panic, depression, and feeling that other’s find me utterly worthless. Remember, I do not think of myself like that on a regular basis – this enhances my confusion that can lead into thinking that if even my own family does not acknowledge or value what I do or who I am then, I should not either. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it is what happens to me.

My mind will become bombarded with every instance my father made a promise and did not follow through.

In the past, when I have tried to share what I have accomplished, I felt as if he dismissed it by telling me what he, my sisters, or strangers had accomplished which, was normally some athletic, music, or religious type of accomplishment. My dad had no idea that I wrote poetry filtered with science. He does not know my mind. He did give me praise when I shared one of my poetry books. It is not about that, my mind has forty years of feeling unwanted and unloved. If you were to ask my dad, he would find that ludicrous. He fought for me, he wanted me, he loved me so much, but his actions and words have indicated otherwise – to me.

When the triggers come, they attack like bullets to my chest.

Continued ... Deep Wounds ~ Feelings Of Constant Rejection III