I Don’t Have A “Bestie”

I will forewarn you this post is a processing post that is filled with a culmination of my lifetime of confusion and hurt about relationships. It was spawned from a web of thoughts connected by my longing for a person that I believed existed. A person that I thought was out there who understood me, who one day I would find and pieces of me would finally make sense. I thought that they would help me understand me because we would “know” one another and just “fit.” I have been pondering these thoughts for months. I have been analyzing, researching, rethinking, and dissecting what unconditional love is supposed to mean. I am sure that this post is going to manifest into several as I make connections, but I am tackling this “bestie” thing today. Bestie or better known as best friend is something that I do not have in my life. If I did would never call them my bestie unless it was in some sort of mocking way. 

I do not usually use words like “bestie” “BFF,” or “fav person.”

The concept of best makes me automatically feel as if there is some sort of completion. This person is better than you no matter what – they are the best. I understand that best applies to their connection and their relationship, but in my experience, a person who tells me this is their best friend is setting a boundary and telling me that no one will ever measure up and no one can contribute anything to the dynamic of the relationship. No matter what everyone else is out. As far as I know no one considers me their best friend, they may consider me their good friend, but no one has said that I am their “best friend.” I do make a very good friend – I do not know if I could be a best friend. Not in the way that I perceive people being best friends anyway. These thoughts and realizations have become clearer to me in the last few weeks when I have witnessed pictures and all of the verbal and physical affections poured out to others.

It triggered my painful experiences with friendships.

Continued ... I Don’t Have A “Bestie”