I tuck many things away in the back of my mind. They hide, lurk, and appear suddenly from triggers or anxiety. I have some great days when I feel strong, mentally, physically, and emotionally healthy. Then, there are other days. Those days the things I have tucked away can well up at times through tears and I find myself shocked as to why I am feeling so down or crying. I touch my eyes and say, “Oh, my what are these salty secretions and why do I have them?” There are times when I can systematically go through and figure out how I ended feeling this great sadness.
Some days I am confused and I have no idea why I am feeling this way or even other emotions that may not be sadness, but anger.
I am not confused today. I know exactly why I am extremely fatigued, mentally exhausted, and physically just want to sleep. I know that there are multiple factors at play. However, even with understanding I still need to process the emotions otherwise, I become fixated and ruminate on different thoughts or past experiences trying to make it stop. It does not stop – I loop. It feeds my anxiety, it stirs cognitive distortions, it fuels negative thinking, and trips me into depressive thoughts. I have a lot spinning through my head and at the beginning of this month, I started to have those things that I manage to tuck away on a daily basis, start to creep into my daily thoughts. I did a fabulous job at stomping on them, covering them up with other thoughts, filling my mind in order to redirect, but that only helps for a while.
When there is too much to process my mind and body retaliate against all of my efforts. Continued ... Things That I Tuck Away
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